Where Is The Monthly Spew Movie?

By Dustin League 
Its a question that has been asked countless times by the thousands of fans devoted to the premier humor magazine of the early 2000s.  While many of its peers where quickly adapted into feature films of wildly varying quality (Daredevil, The Hobbit, Gladiator, and The Spirit are just a few of the many MS-contemporaries to make it to screen), the Monthly Spew has remained steadfastly, and quaintly, out of Hollywood’s sclerotic grip.  Many notable Hollywood directors have reportedly been salivating at the thought of sinking their teeth into the lush world conjured up in the pages of the Monthly Spew, but unfortunately none has ever been able to move past the stage of daydreams and lolly-gagging and onto the stage of, well, stages and props and movie things.
In the end, the reason that none of these adaptations have ever gotten beyond the heroin-fueled fever dreams of narcoleptic Hollywood agents with their coke binges and their Beanie Babies and their kale salads has always come down to the twisted, Borjesian story of the accompanying movie rights.  I won’t try and detail in full the legal struggle over these rights- far better legal minds than mine have already covered it in great detail.  I particularly recommend delving into the densely-detailed dissertation dictated by to dictator Meng by the late Henry Kissinger.  Suffice to say that the original creator of the Monthly Spew and his indisputably taller successor-editors left no logical (or legible) record detailing the exact division of such intellectual property rights when they were all killed in that freak button accident.
Will the Monthly Spew ever make it to screen or will the closest that we, the adoring public, ever come to it be the half-finished scripts that occasionally float to the top of the internet flotsam on Reddit?  Many of these, likely false, scripts contain the elements that we all expect of a Monthly Spew adaptation: projected run-times of more than seven hours, dense and complex dialogue lovingly devoted to the minutia of Painball, cameos from the Hollywood’s paganistic and amoral A-List, triumphant swells of Norwegian Death-Disco, and multi-leveled in-jokes lost on everyone except one or two writers on the staff.  And yet, it is often just as clear that these scripts are mere pastiches of the Monthly Spew’s cherished oeuvre.  Perhaps when the Monthly Spew’s time-locked time capsule is finally opened in October, we will find a movie script worthy of their name; or at least a document explaining the creator’s intent.  We can only hope.
And, as always, Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.   

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