Rantings: The Sub Sandwich Should Die

Look, sandwiches are important.  They are probably the most important food item that can be served between two pieces of bread.  Ah, and there you see it, right?  Right?  Two pieces of bread.  Not one.  Not some damn tube of bread sliced halfway in two as if by some lazy millenial that couldn’t be bothered to finish the job because he had to go find an ironic way to wear a fedora- Indiana Jones and Don Draper can wear fedoras, but everyone else should give it up.  You know what else Don Draper and Indy knew the value of?  Rye bread and pastrami.  Sourdough and corned beef.  Spicy mustard and thick-cut cheese.

You remember that scene in Saving Private Ryan?  The one where Tom Hanks, after storming Omaha Beach like a baller, stumbles into the command post and the camera lingers longingly on a pile of sandwiches, each one a couple inches thick with smoked meat and thin pieces of bread on top, the coffee black and steaming next to it?  Now try picturing that scene with some pale torpedo-shaped subs instead.  It doesn’t work.  Why doesn’t it work?  Because you’d immediately start thinking about the Germans’ use of unrestricted submarine warfare against Allied and neutral shipping, the sinking of the Lusitania, and the marginally-legal Q-ships that the British had started employing.  Instead, you see a pile of sandwiches that would be at home in a New York deli.  Instead of the weapons of Nazis and the murkiness of maritime law, you are reminded of the reasons why the Allies are invading Nazi Europe.

The Deli sandwich, and the Deli itself, comes from a variety of cultures.  In New York Italian delis and Jewish delis sit side-by-side (I assume; I’ve only been to New York once and I didn’t actually measure the distance between various delis).  Imagine that happening in Nazi Germany.  You can’t.  We must fight against the encroachment of the the sandwich monoculture as firmly as Tom Hanks fought against the Nazis and the Illuminati and gender-segregated housing!

Look, this isn’t to say that there should never be submarine sandwiches (mainly they should be meatball).  There can be.  But right now there are way too many of them and not enough places making good two-pieces-of-bread sandwiches.  Hell, even three pieces would be good if you’re in the club.  And don’t forget: if you cut a submarine sandwich in half all you get is two smaller subs.  Cut a pastrami-on-rye in half and you get two triangles where once you had a square.  You’ve just changed the geometry of the world!  Everything is fresh and new and exciting again!  Life is worth living and birds are singing and children are reading Proust again!

So, I implore you, go out and find a deli or a market sandwich counter and get a sandwich on something other than boring old sub bread*.

*The bread made aboard submarines is actually quite amazing; probably because it consists of three parts butter to every one part flour.


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