Spews You Can Use: Advice for your Life

Dear The Monthly Spew,
I have recently been pulled over by a cop for speeding-

Glad to hear it!  Your reckless driving threatens us all!

Right… anyway, I have a lot of cocaine in the car.  Like a lot a lot.  You would be surprised by how much cocaine I have.

Is it enough to dress it up as a second person in the passenger seat?  That would let you drive in the carpool lane.

It is not quite that much.  I guess I underestimated how much cocaine would be needed to impress you.

That happens.  Do you have a question?  This is supposed to be an advice column after all.  Let me advize you.  Let me help you.  But to do that, I have to know what your problem is and so far all I’m hearing is a lot of bragging.

Oh, well I would like to not go to jail for cocaine possession. 

What a great goal you’ve set for yourself!  I would be happy to provide you some advice!  First, dump the cocaine on the floor.  Do this quickly, you don’t have a lot of time.  Your next step is flour.  Add some.  Add a lot.  If you add enough, then the cops won’t be able to tell there’s any cocaine.  Since you said that there’s a lot of cocaine, you need to add a lot a lot of flour.  Now, you’ve got a couple of options from this point but personally I’d go with butter.  Add roughly an equal amount (by mass, not volume) of butter or some other fat.  Heat over gentle heat stirring frequently until you have a nice golden semi-liquid.  This is called a roux and it is the basis of most of the classic French sauces.  It also works great for thickening all manner of soups!  See, what you’ve done is broken down the starch and bonded it with the fat, so it won’t clump when you add it to hot soup, as you have no doubt noticed will happen if you attempt to add flour directly to your soup or your sauce.


Even just adding some cheese and making a nice bechamel sauce and putting it over a ham & cheese sandwich.  This is a croque monsieur.  I prefer a croque madame because then you top the whole thing with a fried egg.  Why?  Because women wear hats.

I think I’m just going to try to outrun the cops.

To each his own!  Thank you for your letter and thank you for writing it in that weird way where I could fill in the blanks!





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