This Sunday a 31-year old, gainfully employed man* spent his entire afternoon chasing a small dog around his house with a replica lightsaber. “She just is terrified of the humming,” The man replied when questioned about the purpose behind this endeavor, “And it’s hilarious. Vroom vroom!”
What is most shocking about this is the high level of satisfaction the man has about his own life and level of maturity, despite all evidence to the contrary. He claims to have a day job, one that required him to supervise the operation of undersea nuclear power plants. At the time of this publication, that could not be independently verified and the interview was conducted entirely above-water. Further, the man claims that the lightsaber was purchased with full blessings from his fiancee. This fact also could not be verified and no fiancee has been located or interviewed. The man’s house was also filled with many other indicators that this is not an individual who should be trusted with nuclear reactor safety or what he described as “national security”. There was an extensive collection of Funko POP! Vinyl toys in the basement, along with framed comic books and cardboard boxes filled with more comic books.
“Look, I spend all day defending your freedom,” the man replied in response to further questioning, becoming irrationally defensive. “Sometimes I need a break from all that stress. And I know that it might seem like all I did was chase a terrier around with a lightsaber, but I actually got a lot done this Sunday. For instance, I watched two episodes of Daredevil on Netflix, beat three levels of Homeworld 2 on the computer, and worked my way through half of my back-log of comic books. That’s some major progress that I needed to get done before new comic book day on Wednesday. Also, did your house get invaded by the red Chinese that day? No, it didn’t. Freedom. Defended!”
*This individual’s name has been withheld due to his claims that it is in the “national interest”. This claim could also not be verified before the story went to print but the Monthly Spew is not about to put its proverbial neck on the line over something like that.