As one of History’s tastiest snacks steadily takes over the world, local trash dumps are having trouble disposing of its inedible side dish. Buffalo Wings, a simple but delectable dish comprising of mainly chicken wings, pepper sauce and butter, are quickly becoming one of America’s favorite foods. Bars, pizza shops, grocery stores delis, restaurants and homes nationwide serve the flavorful snack but no one seems to want to gut down its black sheep of a plate-mate, celery.
‘If I can munch on something as delicious as a buffalo wing, why would I waste valuable stomach space on celery?’ commented Chad Simpleman, bar regular. ‘It’s just plain ol’ Un-American.’
Local trash men are having trouble disposing of all the uneaten celery stalks. ‘There’s just nowhere to put all this celery.’ said Simon Crumpleton, head of Sanitation in Smith Mesa, NM. ‘We’re having to do Atari-style burials in the desert.’
‘We heard wings and celery made a great pairing,’ says Jeff Musslinger, ‘owner of a Sports Bar in Bridgeport, SC, ‘but no one will eat the stuff. We can’t even give it away, the homeless won’t even touch it.’
We asked biologist Dr. Stacy Clearson the origin of celery and how it ended up on plates across the country. ‘Celery is actually an invasive weed. It was never eaten until Chinese immigrants in San Fransisco used it in chop suey. They needed some filler when bean sprouts and water chestnuts were unavailable. Then during the Great Depression people across the nation, poor, starving and now thinking these weeds were food, would pick wild celery from the deserted lots and alleyways of their towns and use them in their cuisine when actual food could not be afforded.’
But why the pairing with Buffalo Wings? What’s the connection? We ask Jeb Stafford who, according to urban legend, was the first man to pair the two together. ‘I just had a bunch of the crap growing out by the dumpster. Our restaurant was doing real bad back then. So I threw some celery on the plate and raised the price of the dish like it was SUPPOSED to be there. People liked the wings so much they didn’t complain. Now I’m a billionaire.’
But what about the ever growing problem of what to do with all this uneaten celery? Simon lamented ‘Every time we find a new place to dump it, another truckload of it comes in. We’re really starting to panic. We brought in goats to thin out the piles but they won’t eat it. They went for a stack of used diapers instead.’
And so, with no end or solution in sight, it seems soon we will be up to our ears in celery.
When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com