Whack-Jobs Today: The Latest in Extremism – This Month: The Way Way Left: C.R.A.P.

Image via sodahead.com

The newest in a long line of extreme leftist whack job groups is a bunch of weirdos who call themselves The Coalition of Rights Advocates for Plants, or CRAP. The members of CRAP have a firm believe in Plants’ Rights. “Why is the life of a carrot worth any less than the murderous rabbit that eats it?” asks Jeff Bellows, President of CRAP. ‘To be a responsible human these days it’s not enough to just care about human rights, or animal rights. You gotta care about plants’ rights too, man. ALL life is beautiful, man. The mosses on the trees even deserve a fair shake in this world. There are plants out there, man. Plants that are grown under these things called ‘grow lamps’, man. That’s not ethical. Plants need real sunlight. That’s not cool. And some of these plants are grown in basements, like a factory. It’s messed up, man.’

So, if all life is sacred, what do members of CRAP eat? What do they wear? ‘We eat dirt, man,’ explained Jeff. ‘non-organic dirt. We don’t wanna chance eating any of our microscopic friends. We also take vitamins. Free range vitamins. What do we do for clothes? We usually go nude, except when it gets chilly, then we fashion clothes from the bark of dead trees. So our fallen friends can live on.’

Jeff wants to make it clear that CRAP, though similar to another group, Stop Human Interference and Terracide, is a separate entity. ‘We don’t agree with SHIT, man. Those guys drive cars. Don’t they know gasoline used to be dinosaurs? Not cool, man. We might have CRAP for brains, but we ain’t no SHIT-heads.’

So far CRAP is just Jeff and his mom, but CRAP is gaining support through an ad campaign. Jeff told us all about it. ‘We were going to print an ad in the newspaper, but then I remember that’s made out of trees. Then we decided on a billboard but then remembered that’s gotta be made out of SOMETHING, right? So we go down by the interstate, there’s this embankment by an overpass and we scribble something in the dirt. Lots of people see it, but we have to redo it every time it rains. Or if there’s a breeze.’

How can YOU help? You can send Jeff and his mom monetary donations to help support the cause. Oh, wait, that’s printed on paper. Never mind. Perhaps you could send canned goods… oh, that’s no good either. You know what, just forget the whole thing. Jeff will in a week anyway. #Kony2012

When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s