STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — The International Association for the Study of Weatherology made a surprising announcement today. After ten years of intensive, global study they were confident in publishing new research that they say shows conclusive proof for man-made climate change. While this seems to fit with most studies of anthropomorphic climate change, the new research revealed a surprising cause for the current warming trend.
“It’s because you touched yourself too much as a teenager.” That was the conclusion reached by the international panel and announced by Dr. Richard Artenborough. The panel released that statement along with a 100-page journal article and selected quotes from the Bible about God’s hatred for masturbation.
“We have the satellite evidence and it is incredibly concrete. We were, frankly, pissed off at you when we finally had the evidence and ran the numbers, but this is inescapable. Like most scientists, we had long thought that global warming, the melting of arctic ice, the rising levels of CO2 in the ocean that is making it inhospitable for many species of fish were all due to wide-scale industrial pollution over the last hundred or so years. But we can now prove that that is not the case. Yes, humans are to blame, but really only one human. You. It seems that God really had a lot riding on you, and we sympathize with you for having that burden, but you let us all down and now we have to live with what you are responsible for. Thanks for nothing.”
Dr. Artenborough and the rest of the IASW followed up these official statements by offering condolences to your family and apologized for having to publish this condemnation of you. Your family thanked the panel and apologized for not raising you better. They promised that they would be much more careful next time and that they had always liked your sibling much more than they liked you. Your parents also expressed guilt for letting you have so much privacy during your High School years and admitted that they shouldn’t have let you take such long showers.
When asked if there was anything that could be done to avert climate change, the IASW members explained that God’s will could not be circumvented. “Look, of course we tried to figure out some way to fix this, but there’s nothing. We ran the numbers, we did that thing where you put a couple chemicals into a beaker and then swirl them around and see if something happens. We did a LOT of science on this. We scienced the crap out of it. But no, there’s nothing. We even ran a computer simulation of burning you at the altar, but it didn’t change anything. I mean, it helped us blow off some of our steam, but it wasn’t going to get God to change his mind.”
When asked if they were worried about retribution against you now that it has been revealed that you are responsible for the deaths of so many polar bears, your local police replied, “While we are not suggesting people take matters into their own hands, we also aren’t not not saying that.”