Horrifying New Spider Discovery!


NEW YORK, NY — A team of scientists from the Large Hadron Collider at the CERN Research Center held a press conference today to make a new announcement.  This announcement comes a week after the LHC was closed down and evacuated with little explanation.  It seems that that rapid closure was tied to an amazing new discovery in particle physics, one which overturns several very well-established paradigms.

Dr. Sergei Brusilov, speaking on behalf of CERN, told the assembled press that they had recently discovered that spiders are not, as everyone had previously believed, composed of atoms.  Instead it seems that all spiders are actually made up of smaller spiders.  Those spiders are also made up of still smaller spiders.  “It’s spiders all the way down,” Dr. Brusilov said at the end of his statement.

When asked when and why CERN had shifted its focus from high-energy proton collisions in search of Super-Symmetry, Dr. Brusilov became visibly agitated.  “Well, we weren’t sure how to cover this, but we finally decided to just be straight-forward about it.  Super-Symmetry, alternate universes, all of that?  Not real.  We just made it up.  In fact, after we found the Higgs Boson last year we didn’t have anymore physics to do.  That was it, people.  I mean, we found the God Particle.  What more did you expect from us.  But have you seen the skiing in the Swiss Alps?  Or how much this thing cost?  We couldn’t just tell the world that they got all the use out of it in the first year and we weren’t going to deprive ourselves of that fantastic vacation spot.  Switzerland, man.  It was awesome.”

Dr. Brusilov then continued, detailing the path that led to the new spider discovery.  “So we came back, we ate some chocolate, we did some skiing, and then we thought, ‘Hell, let’s just fire it up and start smashing something else.'”  That something else included several bowling balls accelerated to half the speed of light, a couple of apples, thirteen pennies of different vintage (a detail that Dr. Brusilov stressed was important), and finally the pet tarantulas of one of Dr. Brusilov’s colleagues.

“We all hated them, frankly, but Dr. Handell wouldn’t stop bringing them into the lab.  So, finally, we’d had enough of it and when he went out to get coffee we put them in the accelerator.  Got those creepy {EXPLETIVE DELETED} up to about 0.8 C {the speed of light} and slammed them together.”  What came out of that collision, according to the team’s findings, were billions of microscopic spiders.

Dr. Brusilov explained that many scientific developments happen due to accidents and stressed that the seeming unprofessionalism of his team should not preclude them from receiving further funding.  “What we learned today is that the world of spider physics is much more complex than we ever imagined and we’re going to need some new equipment to solve these new problems.  Probably really, really expensive equipment.”

When pressed about why the team abandoned the LHC so quickly, Dr. Brusilov said that once they had realized just how many spiders had been released by the collission they had all been “Really creeped out.”  They had secured the facility in order to have it fumigated.  “We’re bringing in every insect control team in Switzerland right now.  What we’ve discovered tells us that every time one spider is killed, it probably releases something like 12 billion smaller spiders into the world.  Spiders that spread out from the place where the original spider-structure died at very high speed.  We plan to return to the LHC once it has been fully fumigated.  At that point we plan to seal it off with ourselves inside so that no more spiders can get it.  We’ll accept PayPal payments for the new research.”

Dr. Brusilov then ended the press conference.  The research team adjourned to a nearby decontamination facility.  One of the other reporters spotted a spider and instinctively killed it; this caused a riot leading to the trampling deaths of two other reporters.


One thought on “Horrifying New Spider Discovery!

  1. Pingback: Spew in Review | The Monthly Spew

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