Nic Cage Takes Up Acting

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At age 51 Nicolas Kim Coppola, better known to the world as ‘Nic Cage’, has finally decided to take up acting.  ‘I think it’s time for me to really go all in and see what I can accomplish in movies.’  Nick said, ‘Apparently, I was supposed to be acting the entire time.’

After a parade of bad movies and a green splotched Rotten Tomatoes page Cage has finally decided to listen to his agent, take a few classes and start acting.  ‘Left Behind was the last straw.’ his agent told us.  ‘Ghostrider, Con-Air, The Weather Man, THE WICKER MAN?!?!?!  Those were just the symptoms of the underlying problem, the tip of the iceberg.  He had to get help.’

Nicolas Cage got his start in acting simply by being Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew.  ‘I figured since his uncle was a big shot, the director of the cinema classic The Godfather, the kid had to know SOMETHING about acting.’ one of Cage’s former directors (who wished to remain anonymous for fear of incurring Francis Ford’s wrath) told us, ‘Boy was I wrong.  I’ll never work with him again.  I make sure to do auditions for everyone now, no matter who they are.  I don’t care if your uncle funds the picture under the table.’

And from there it snowballed.  Other directors hired Nic just because other directors had, not asking questions or doing auditions, just because of his who his uncle was.  ‘Did I watch any of his movies before hiring him?’ asked another former director, also afraid to reveal himself, ‘Heck no, nobody watches Nic Cage movies.  I just assumed…’  And the cycle continued.  For over 30 years it continued.  From the early 80s til now.  But Nic is finally ready for a change.

‘I recently discovered I’ve gotten a reputation for being really awful.’ Nic explained, ‘I don’t think I am.  I just didn’t know what I was doing.  Everyone assumed I was a professional because of who my uncle is.  No one sat me down and said “Hey, Nic, did you know you are supposed to be acting?”  Not once.  I was just goofing off this entire time.  I think that really comes through in my performances.’

So Nic has finally decided to buckle down and learn his craft.  ‘I’ve decided to take some classes.  I was originally thinking of getting some private tutoring from my cousin, Sophia Coppola, but my agent advised against it.  He said it was a conflict of interest.  Definitely not because she’s a terrible actor as well, who also has only gotten a place on the screen because of Francis.  His words, not mine.  I’m not sure what he’s referring to there.’

Since he brought up Sophia and Francis, we asked him, since your family has such a terrible history with acting and such a rich history in directing, why don’t you take up directing instead?  He asked, ‘Directing?  What’s directing?’  We reminded him that he directed Sonny, another rotten splotch, in 2002.  He responded, ‘I still don’t know what that is.”  Apparently Nic’s classes haven’t started yet.  ‘Next week, actually.  I have baseball camp this week.’  He told us.

Despite such a turbulent career, I think Nic serves as an inspiration and that there’s a lesson everyone can take to heart from all this.  It’s never too late.  You can do whatever you set your mind to and succeed.  As long as you are Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew.

When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at


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