FRANKFORT, KY — In a turn of events sure to surprise many, both houses of the US Congress have released a joint announcement stating that they have reached agreement on a key issue troubling the nation. Even more surprising, the assembled Congressmen all agreed that they had found the path to bipartisanship by reading the comment thread on a news article related to the troubling issue.
“We had just finished one of our grueling four-day work-weeks and most of us had gone home for the three-week post-Easter, pre-Earth Day holiday that we voted ourselves last year. Most of us were pretty sore at each other because we had this long debate over the issue before taking off. It was really throwing off my golf game and I could barely get in my normal 36 holes-a-day at Hilton Head,” said Senator Neil Hammond (R – SC), explaining the history of how the compromise was reached. “In fact, it was during my post-game Swedish massage that I happened to find the article that eventually led to this breakthrough. The article itself was a typical hatchet job, but it was down below that I found gold.”
Other Congressmen reported similar stories, whether they had read the comment thread on their yacht, their mountain chalet, or on their iPhone while waiting for the Wall Street lobbyist who was buying them dinner to get back from ordering them a limousine filled with prostitutes. What they all agreed on was that the arguments laid out between JohnHancock487 and True_Believer_Donkeynuts provided them with the breakthrough they had been looking for.
“I truly believe that someday the writings of True_Believer_Donkeynuts on this very complex issue will be taught in Universities across the nation,” said Representative Sarah Marlin (D – HI). “His ability to persuade JohnHancock487 of off his partisan platform was astonishing. I would tell Cicero to take lessons from him if he were still around.”
Other Congressman argued that it was JohnHancock487 who came off the winner of the exchange, having argued his opponent to the rational middle, but everyone agreed that it was this one comment thread that allowed them all to come together on the issue.
It was Speaker of the House John Boehner who closed out the joint announcement by promising that America would soon see swift and strong action on the issue. The White House expressed cautious optimism but would not make any direct comment on the legislation currently on the floor.