ANCHORAGE, AK — The Food and Drug Administration released its newest, and according to top officials, last set of nutritional guidance. As part of their annual review of nutritional research the administration concluded that they have finally locked the science of food. The new guidelines have also been simplified to help people who dislike complexity follow them more easily.
“Toast and glue,” was how FDA Director Tom Hanlin summed up the report. “We are coming out today with this new report to tell the American people that the best nutritional guidance is to eat nothing but toast and glue.” Director Hanlin’s statement was further clarified within the report. It seems that the toast should not be under or over-toasted because once outside a narrow band of golden-brown hue it loses much of its nutritional value. The glue recommended is also Elmer’s White School Glue and the report warns very heavily against substituting super, gorilla, wood, or crazy glue. “The last thing you want to be giving your developing child is the wrong kind of glue,” Director Hanlin was adamant in pointing out.
The FDA has also promised that this will be the last time that they change their guidelines. “We found that people always got upset whenever scientific research uncovered something new that would lead us to change our guidance. People were much happier with the concept that there would be one final answer and then science would just stop. So we’ve decided to give into that pressure. So after this we’re shutting down the research division. No matter what else happens, we are going to stick to these recommendations. Toast and glue.”
Many on the conservative right were quick to vent frustration at the new guidelines. “This is just another attempt by the Obama administration to try and nanny-state the good parents of this nation into submission,” said conservative radio host Karl. “And we are not going to stand for it. I’ll feed my children any kind of glue I want. In fact, I make sure they each get at least a cup of super glue a day!”