Scientists Discover ‘Molesterol’

Image via CNN

A new discovery has been making headlines recently after being leaked from the highly secretive team of scientists who discovered it.  The discovery is so new, and so little is known about it, that it is just known by it’s nickname ‘molesterol’.

A team of highly trained scientists have been doing research in secret to ensure that their results remain unbiased.  Nothing is known publicly about them and we were only granted answers once we ensured absolute anonymity.  In a statement the group collectively told us ‘We have all done this kind of research before, but our funding was from people and organizations within the food production sector and they expected certain results.  He had to do this under the radar to ensure honest answers.  Luckily we have been funded by some untethered philanthropists wanting honest answers.  We wish to remain anonymous because once this discovery gets out, there’s a chance we will never work again.  We may be blacklisted or even worse.’

What is it that they have found that could be so controversial?  So life changing, possibly WORLD changing?  ‘It’s something man-made.  Something between a fat and sugar.’ They told us.  ‘We’re still trying to classify it.  But it’s terribly unhealthy and highly addictive.  That’s why we’ve called it ‘molesterol’, because it is like cholesterol that literally molests you.  Your body will feel violated after you consume it.  But despite that, once you’ve had it, you want more.’

The team had been doing several studies, trying to unlock the secret of America’s obesity epidemic, previously blamed on everything from fats, trans-fat, cholesterol, to carbs and now gluten, when they made the discovery.  ‘We really think this is the key.  This is the real answer, all these other things have been distractions.  But this is NOT a natural thing.  This substance does not occur naturally in organic foods.  This thing has been a calculated attack on our health.’  Pretty bold claims from a team of fearful no-names.  ‘Believe us or don’t, the proof is in the pudding.  Literally.  Try to put down a cup of store bought pudding.  I bet you can’t.  That’s molesterol.’

Image via Metabod

The team claim they have found molesterol in everything from snack foods to fast foods to GMOs.  ‘It’s in almost everything.  Almost every company is adding it to their product to ensure we get hooked.  Once this truth bomb drops the whole food industry will change.  Once people know the truth there will be punishment and there will be justice.  They should have known they couldn’t keep it secret forever.  We were really hoping to keep our research and molesterol under wraps until we had all the answers but the news leaked out, of course, it’s absolutely life changing.’

The team recently relocated their facilities to a safer, more secure spot.  ‘We have relocated to an underground bunker, with highly trained security and sophisticated alarms.  We are here 24/7, 365 until the work is done.  There are too many dirty hands on the other side of this.  The food industry, the health industry and, of course, politics.  Follow the dollar.  They are all after making money off of the poor health of the lower 99% and they do not want this news to get out.  If our identities were to be found out and we were to show our faces in public, it might be the last time we’re seen.  So better safe than sorry.  A lot of us have kids, but as much as we want to see them, it’s much more important to find the truth.  We will be heroes once this is all over.  It’s better to save humanity.’

Once the research is completed the team will officially release exactly what we’re dealing with and who the perpetrators of this horror are.  Until then, be careful what you eat, they warn us molesterol is everywhere.  ‘We are growing our own food in the facility, there’s really no other way to avoid it.’

When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at


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