Basic White Girl Stunned Pumpkin Isn’t a Spice

Image via Poor Man’s Kitchen

Modern times are hard.  When everything you type can be automatically corrected and anything you may ever need to know is seconds away on your smart phone it’s hard for younger people these days to learn and retain information.  Phones have replaced our brains as the place where we store our information.   But still no one was ready for the surprise awaiting Kelly Smith, freshman at North Central Delaware University.

‘My classmates, our professor and I were just having a little chat before class.’  Kelly told us.  ‘We were talking about our favorite condiments: ketchup, salsa, hot sauce… When I said that my favorite spice was pumpkin.  And everyone just looked at me like I was stupid.’

In the “basic white girl”-dominated market that is America we see a surge in ‘pumpkin spice’ flavored drinks and treats every fall.  From coffee to pastries, it’s everywhere.  So it’s no surprise that these pumpkin spice-wolfing mall residents would not know what an actual pumpkin was.

Image Via Elite Daily

‘I tried to set her straight.’  Dr. Steven Charles, Kelly’s professor, told us.  ‘I showed her a picture of an actual pumpkin and she called it a ‘Jackal-lantern’.  She had no clue it was an actual pumpkin.  She was even more surprised when I explained to her what’s in pumpkin spice certainly isn’t pumpkin, and its not even spices.  It’s compounds like sabinene and eugenol, which replicate the flavors of nutmeg, clove and cinnamon; which make your brain think of the flavor of pumpkin pie.’

‘That was my second guess,’ Kelly explained ‘that pumpkin was a kind of pie.’  She’s partly correct.  Pumpkin is a flavor of pie.  But a pumpkin is certainly not a kind of pie.  ‘I really don’t know how she got into college.’ Dr. Charles told us.

Image Via Buzzfeed

The rest of the day Kelly was seen weeping into her latte and contemplating life.  ‘I just don’t know anything anymore.’ She told us. ‘It’s like my whole life is a lie.  Is anything real?  Is there even any velvet in red velvet cake?’

No, Kelly, there’s not.  Its just chocolate cake.  But we don’t want to be the ones to tell you that.

When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com

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