Every four years, we Americans are subjected to the to another pointless election, filled with partisan pandering, shameless mudslinging, boring debates, and of course that one relative you vehemently disagree with but refuses to shut up about it. And once one of these jokers gets elected, they sit around for four years, collecting a taxpayer paycheck, blaming the last guy until it’s time to get re-elected, at which point they may finally get up and do something that isn’t so polarizing that they don’t stand a chance come November.
But there is one who stands apart from the system of futility that has become the identity of our government. I am proud to share with you that Dustin is announcing, not his intention to run for president, but his intention to become our Benevolent Overlord. He intends to do away with our wasteful election system by simply assuming power without an election. All that is required of us, his constituents, is our utter devotion and willing subjugation. Let him guide us into a bright new era of order and prosperity! May he sweep away our many enemies with his great hand!