Dear The Monthly Spew:
What are some ways I can prepare myself for the inevitable zombie apocalypse?
Thanks for a great question! This is an area that is fraught with peril, as there still remain a lot of myths perpetuated by popular media.
First of all, do not store up food and water. This makes you a target. If other people see that you have food and water, they will go, “Hey! Let’s kill that guy and take his stuff!” Instead, find the guy who did store up food and water, kill him, and take his stuff. It’s like the story of the Ant and the Grasshopper. The Ant spent all summer gathering food while the Grasshopper goofed off. Then, when the zombies came, the Grasshopper killed the Ant and took all his stuff. You can’t argue with science.
Also, if you find yourself in a clearing, surrounded by zombies, jump out in the middle and make a lot of noise. This will frighten the zombies away, allowing you plenty of time to escape.
Finally, whatever you do, never ever ever fall in love with a zombie like the movie Warm Bodies. It’s just a terrible, terrible idea. Like the movie Warm Bodies.
Well that’s all the space I’m allotted to be helpful! If any of our readers have any actual questions they’d like answered, be sure to drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!