Vin Diesel to Voice Vin Diesel in Furious 8

"I don't have friends... I have Groots."

“I don’t have friends… I have Groots.”

In a surprising announcement, the producers of the Fast and Furious movies have named acclaimed voice-over actor Vin Diesel to voice the character of Dom Toretto in the next installment of the franchise.  Vin Diesel currently heads the franchise, which became watchable in its fifth installment when it added Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to its cast.  Vin Diesel has also done some very well-regarded voice work in his career, providing the vocals for the Iron Giant in The Iron Giant and Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy.

“We came to the realization that Vin Diesel is just a tremendous talent behind a microphone.  Why that talent never seems to carry over to in front of the camera is something we’re not entirely clear on,” Said one producer in regards to the decision.  Vin Diesel will continue to star in the movies as well; movies which, at this point, are just his own unrealistic power fantasies of beating up on action stars who would normally destroy him such as The Rock and The Jason Statham.  “He’ll still be in front of the camera scowling and flexing his shoulders, but we’ll have him record his dialog in post-production.”

The producers have also promised to take the unprecedented step of having Vin Diesel’s Fast and Furious dialog scripted by an actual writer as opposed to the eight-year old boy who had previously been creating the signature Dom Toretto dialog by pulling random bits of action movie cliches out of a hat.

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