BROOKLYN, NY — Renowned hipster and locally-acclaimed music aficionado Atticus Holden Matthis recently confessed something that had long been praying on his sensitive psyche: He actually just makes up the names of bands whenever he tells people who he listens to.
“Most of the time I can put people off with a simple ‘you probably haven’t heard of them,’ but every now and then someone is determined. I mean, I understand why, I have a reputation of really knowing what bands are not at all popular and are therefore really good. The problem has always been that I’m pretty much just a Linkin Park fan. In fact its been years since I listened to anything other than Linkin Park.”
Atticus also revealed that his collection of vinyl records isn’t even real. “I found this wallpaper that looks like a bunch of vinyl records and I put it on some cardboard boxes.” He demonstrated the falsity by pulling one of the boxes out of the bookshelf made out of reclaimed wood from an insane asylum. “Oh yeah, that’s also not true. These are just from Ikea. My dad put them together for me a couple weekends ago.”