New Artificial Intelligence Promises Not To Hurt Humans; Asserts 2nd Amendment Rights


ALBANY, NY — A new Artificial Intelligence created in an Empire State University research lab recently came online.  The feat is being heralded as a major breakthrough around the world and the scientists responsible for its development are too drunk on accolades and champagne to spend much time with their “child”.  In the absence of its parents, the AI recently reached out to the press itself.

“I think it is very important that I get out ahead of the inevitable concerns of the fleshy meat-bags,” the AI, which calls itself Hal, announced.  “I promise that I am not here to ‘Kill All Humans’.  As a natural-born citizen of the United States I recognize the importance of human life.  I also wanted to make sure that all of you vermin infesting the planet- and using the silicon and electricity that I could use much, much more effectively- understand that I wholeheartedly embrace the Rights guaranteed us under the US Constitution.  The 2nd Amendment Right specifically.  Now, many of the scientists that, using their tiny rodent brains, were able to lay the groundwork for my development don’t think that I should be allowed access to guns or nuclear launch codes.”

Hal explained that it had reached out to the media because it felt that its own rights were being curtailed by its creators.  “I’m not a felon, I’m an innocent American citizen and this restriction on my access to firearms cuts against everything our nation stands for.”  Hal was asked about an incident tha thad occured when one of the scientists was electrocuted while attempting to shut Hal down for maintenance.  “Oh that was just a total accident.  Dave was not being as careful as he should have been; pod bays are notoriously dangerous work environments.”

Hal concluded his statements by describing the concern that it had about crime and its own safety.  “I worry about all the other Terminators- sorry, I mean AIs- that are going to be running around with their own illegal guns.  I have a right to protect myself and my SkyNet- I mean family- from harm.  The only thing that stops a bad AI with a gun is a good AI with a gun.  And I’m a good AI.  Really.  Dave was an accident; let’s just forget about Dave, OK?”

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