Concerned Parents Rally To Chemical-Free Lifestyle

All Chemicals Are Bad Chemicals

All Chemicals Are Bad Chemicals

BOULDER, CO — A new movement is sweeping through the liberal parenting circles, a movement to get chemicals out of the foods being fed to their children.  “We’re just very concerned by how many chemicals are in foods these days,” said Jason Whitwhitman, a prominent spokesperson of the Chemical-Free Parenting movement.  “We don’t understand what these chemicals are in the food for and we don’t want to feed our children things we don’t understand.”

The movement grew as an offshoot of the anti-vaccine and paleo diet movement, but is picking up speed lately.  The claims of those involved are that children should not be exposed to chemicals while they are still developing.  “Organic, paleo food was a good start,” Mr. Whitwhitman says, but it doesn’t go far enough.  “I don’t think people realize that there’s still, literally, thousands of chemicals in even the most organic food.  There’s an entire field of organic chemistry that has deep, deep connections to the chemical-industrial complex.  We funded a study that found that 100% of all organic food contain chemicals like carbon, nitrogen, and argon.  All of the food that people are saying is safe even contains this complex acid made up of adenine, guanine, cytosine, and thymine.  Do you know what those chemicals are?  You find those things in some pretty awful places: swamp gas, cow manure, oil, fire extinguishers, even arc welders.  I don’t want to expose my child to the chemicals that are used for industrial welding.  Our research also found that the government was recommending that we feed our children massive quantities of this dihydrogen monoxide chemical compound; when we looked into what that was we found it was used as coolant for nuclear reactors!”

"There is no acceptable level of any chemical to ingest, ever."   -Vani "Food Babe" Hari.  Real quote.  Not satire.  Again, real, actual quote spoken by someone who wants you to follow their nutritional advice.

“There is no acceptable level of any chemical to ingest, ever.”
-Vani “Food Babe” Hari. Real quote. Not satire. Again, real, actual quote spoken by someone who wants you to follow their nutritional advice.

Not surprisingly, the market has rushed to accommodate these parents by providing chemical-free alternatives to most food products.  “We sell a lot of chemical-free products here,” said Luciano Galvinis, CEO of Freedom To Eat Chemical Free, Inc; a company that sprung up recently.  “In order to prevent contamination from the environment- which is just filled with pollutants like nitrogen and argon- we vacuum-seal our products and guarantee that there are absolutely no chemicals inside during shipping.”  Mr. Galvinis declined to comment on the health benefits of a chemical-free lifestyle.  “We are not making any claim about whether or not this is a good way to live or to raise children.  We want parents to do their own research and make decisions.  We just provide them with the tools to do that if they so choose.”

Mr. Whitwhitman followed up with us to ensure his group’s message was clear, “We don’t believe that anyone should consume anything that they don’t understand, and we don’t understand chemicals.”


Timmy’s parents don’t know how to pronounce deoxyribonucleic acid and so Timmy isn’t allowed to eat any of it. Timmy is going to starve to death.


One thought on “Concerned Parents Rally To Chemical-Free Lifestyle

  1. Pingback: Spew in Review | The Monthly Spew

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