In a surprising turn of events, it has been revealed today that Hollywood has, effective immediately, stopped producing faith-based movies. The news first dropped a few days ago at ChristianMovieInsider.com where it was revealed that Kirk Cameron, Kevin Sorbo and several other failed actors tied to the industry were dropped by their agents and were unable to get any producers or directors on the phone for comment on any of their upcoming films. Speculation bubbled into a fever pitch until a Hollywood insider finally broke his silence about what was going on.
‘We, that is to say, a great collection of producers, directors, writers & distributors made a gentleman’s agreement not produce any more faith based films until quality improves. The Left Behind reboot and Saving Christmas were the last straw. Do You Believe? was the breaking point. We thought if it did well we could give the industry a second chance, but, as you can see…’
Faith based movies certainly have a reputation for being stinkers. ‘There hasn’t been a hit since Passion of the Christ. And even then… I mean, it did great in the box office, but did you see it?’ said Craig Fitzgerald, seasoned Hollywood producer. ‘I mean, money is nice, but we still have to watch this stuff, you know? And it was basically just some kind of re-enactment fantasy for that racist, Mel Gibson. Knowing what we know about him now, you know why he made that movie. He was just excited to crucify the King of the Jews all over again. I bet he plays it on repeat at his house.’
But religious zealots are not taking the news lightly. They are fighting back with everything they can. Protests on the streets and petitions online are a few of the things to crop up nationwide in the wake of these events. There has even been an extra passing of the basket via crowd funding efforts, trying to usurp the traditional method of movie making.
‘Look, they can make movies. They can make all the movies they want. They just won’t be with our money, our actors or play in our theaters.’ Craig told us, ‘They can do whatever they want. Direct to video, vimeo, screenings at any number of Mega Churches. We’re not against religion, just bad movies. As soon as they make something good they will be welcomed back. And, if it makes them feel any better, we black listed Mel Gibson too! Years ago. When was the last time you saw him in something? The world of movies, and the world in general, has been better for it. Everyone will be thanking us. Soon.’
I asked Joel Osteen for his take on the goings-on. He just grinned awkwardly with that weird, squinty look on his face. And then asked for money. I left.
Kirk Cameron had more to say on the subject. ‘They’re just afraid of what we have to say! Afraid of the truth! They don’t want the people of this country to spiritually awaken!’
No, we just don’t want to watch any more of your bad movies.
When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com