HOLLAND, MI — For weeks now the country has been rocked by the revelations surrounding President Obama’s secret, and seemingly illegal, program for training non-US citizen bees for as-yet-undetermined military purposes. The recent hubbub about the Jade Helm operations set to take place in the American Southwest has helped shed light on some of the program, but until now nobody on the inside had been willing to talk. The Obama administration had consistently denied the rumors that the bees (largely recruited from outside the US borders from countries like Africa) were being trained to pilot self-guided bullets, to harass the elderly into signing up for Obamacare, or to allow the tyrannical Obama to launch his plan forcing all US citizens to plant more flowers. Likewise, presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has refused to issue any comment about the Secret Bee Army.
With this as background, it was very surprising when Dr. Lynn Tauntaun agreed to go on record detailing her work with the Secret Bees and what they are intended to do. Dr. Tauntaun, PhD, is a graduate of (communist) Stanford University where she obtained doctoral degrees in Biology, Liberal Agenda, and Secret Communism. She claims to have been recruited at the beginning of (not my) President Obama’s first term and that the tyrannical God-King (as he requires all staffers to refer to him, one would guess) had been planning to implement the Secret Bee Army as soon as he was made President.
“I knew what I was in for, of course,” Dr. Tauntaun recalled. “You can’t get through Stanford without taking your allegiance oaths to the Secret Liberal Media Plan for American Takeover (SLiMPAT). So when Obama’s Secret Police came to hire me, I was ready to do what was needed. And what was needed was for me to train and weaponize an army of bees. In secret, obviously, because of what Obama planned to use them for.”
And what is Obama planning with this Secret Bee Army?
“Sometime near the end of his second term, Obama is planning to unleash the bees on Congress and the American people. We’ve been training them to recognize Obama’s political enemies. It wasn’t hard really, because we all know that Republicans are just super manly and awesome. Bees have this whole language of dance, its how they communicate, so we trained them to look for people that clearly cannot dance at all. The only trick was that we also had to train them to look for people that could line dance. Statistics have shown that only 1 in 10,000 line dancers voted for Obama, and we were willing to lose that one guy. Bees also have this amazing sense of smell- like way better than dogs even. So we trained them to go after people that drink Bud Light, Coors Light, or Keystone; really any of the shittier beers. Obama gets most of his votes from the craft beer demographic. Well, them and the dead guys that Democrats sneak onto the voter rolls of course.”
Dr. Tauntaun also corrected us on one of our earlier assumptions. “We weren’t using Africanized bees because they were more militant. We had to use non-US bees because American bees weren’t willing to work very hard. Once we started training them on the beer-track-and-kill part of the program, the American bees would just get drunk and fat. Honestly we couldn’t get them to do anything except watch reality TV and complain about the African bees taking their jobs away.”
The Monthly Spew reached out to the Obama Administration for a response but received none. Dr. Tauntaun informed us that the 1-900 number we were using was not actually a White House phone number, but we are pretty sure that it is. We found it on a bathroom stall saying “For a good time, call Obama: 1-900-[REDACTED]”. We have also not been able to confirm Dr. Tauntaun’s story with other sources, but we will continue to update you as we learn more.