The Monthly Spew Exclusive: Sauron Comes Out Of Exile

  The Dark Lord opens up about PJ, the Hobbit and what he’s been doing since The end of the Third Age

When you hear the phrase “Dark Lord”, it conjures up images of ruined castles, blackened skies, and desolate wastelands. But when I got to meet with Sauron, enemy of the free peoples of middle-earth, Forger of the One Ring, and all-around bad guy, it was, of all places, on a secluded beach in the Caribbean.
Now, wait a minute, I hear you saying. Sauron was destroyed when Gollum fell into Mt. Doom with the Ring.  It certainly appeared to be so, but the Lord of the Rings himself explains, in his own words.
“My power was indeed broken,” Sauron tells The Spew. “But I was not destroyed. It was pretty much over for me by that point. The Ring was gone, Barad-dur toppled over, and all the orcs were dispersed and killed. I had no choice but to go into hiding.”
Homeless, formless, and powerless, Sauron watched as the world changed around him.  Now, for the first time, The Dark Lord comes out of his self-imposed exile.
What have you been doing all this time?
“I’ve traveled a lot. A lot. All over Europe. The plague was nice. Famines. That sort of thing. Been all over Asia. Got to South America about 1100 years ago, right before all the white people started showing up. I swear, they follow me wherever I go! I was in Australia not even 300 years ago and bam!– there they are again!
Anyway, I charted Antarctica. Did some dimensional travel with the Old Ones.  Those guys are weird.  I’ve been here for a while. I have a time share with Sean Connery.”
Sounds like you’ve stayed busy. So what did you think of Peter Jackson’s movies?
“Honestly, I can’t say anything too bad about PJ. I never got to meet him but he did a pretty good job of showing things how they really happened. I mean, I did some pretty messed-up stuff. Tolkien was just a historian; he just delivered the facts, no judgments. PJ is an artist. He gets to put a little more emotion into it. Yeah, I get painted in a bad light but let’s face facts; I was trying to kill everyone. Everyone.”
Why come out of hiding now?
“I’m glad you followed the Peter Jackson question with that because he’s actually the reason for it. So let me say this:  Peter Jackson is a great director and I have nothing but the highest respect for him. With that being said, I would like to clarify how very little I had to do with the events portrayed in the Hobbit Trilogy, okay? I mean, they didn’t even know it was the one Ring. Yes, I was hanging around, trying to get the Nazgûl out there but really, I wasn’t doing that much. And seriously, I hadn’t talked to Smaug in centuries, nor did I have any concern for Erebor or Thorin or whoever he was. I had bigger plans at the time; I couldn’t bother with dwarves.”
Do you bear any ill will toward Frodo, who was tasked with destroying the Ring?
“I didn’t know much about Frodo, except what I learned about him later. I didn’t know much at all about hobbits until then, I must admit. He seemed like an alright kid. I don’t hold anything against him.”
What about Elrond, Gandalf, and Aragorn?
 “As much grief as they’d caused me, I really was sad to see them all go. It was this weird thing we all had. It wasn’t just this conflict, it was also this mutual respect, at least for my part. I mean, I can’t speak for any of them, but it was kind of like Guns N Roses breaking up when they were all gone, you know? There was that tension there, sure, but what came out of that was something so special.  I think when you look back, you realize that the only thing of consequence that Elrond or Aragorn ever did were because of me; and the same is probably true of me.  Does anyone even remember what Aragorn was like as a King?  No.  Same with Elrond, really.  I mean the guy took off pretty much as soon as I was out of the picture.  Sometimes you really are just defined by your rivalries.”
 So what’s next for Sauron?
“I don’t have much on my plate these days; I just relax on the beach drinking fruity drinks. Sean and I do some scuba diving once in a while, but that’s about it. I just want to lay low and wait for the end of time.  Without the Ring, my plans to rule are pretty done. That’s officially off the table for good.” TMS

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