Homebrew Beer Movement Takes Off in America In Response to Terrible Quality of American Beer

“Of course I know what I’m doing! I got a C in high school chemistry and I’ve watched like half of Breaking Bad!”
CC image from Eli Tucker via Flickr.

FRANKFORT, KY — The beer homebrewing market has exploded in recent years as Americans realize that the colored water being sold as “beer” in America is atrociously bad.  Much as Crusaders returning to their European homelands (where they had already slaughtered thousands of Jews because the Crusaders were assholes through and through) brought back new spices and cooking secrets, the surge in homebrewing coincides with Americans returning from place were beer is actually good (which is generally Europe).  “I tried a German beer on vacation,” reported Ed Dingler, a homebrewer, “and I was amazed to find out that beer was allowed to have taste.”

The abysmal quality of the vast majority of beer has led thousands of people across the country to embrace the home manufacture of alcohol.  Homebrewing experts report that Americans have not been so excited about amateur-produced libations since Prohibition or their time in jail.  “Are we worried about the risks of improperly sterilizing our equipment?  Of using the wrong strains of yeast?  Of contamination that could give us dysentery?  Of using water filled with fracking fluid from that oil well down the road?  Of course we are.  But none of that is as bad as Bud Light,” Mr. Dingler said.  “I am much more confident that I’ll get a better beer by drinking whatever my friend Tom makes than I will from Budweiser or Coors.  And Tom’s culinary expertise consists of eating cold hot dogs and egg salad he’s left in the sun all day.”

The big beer companies in America have insisted that they do not find the homebrew movement a threat to their industry, “We sell a lot of beer every year,” said one Budweiser executive.  “We don’t make it for people that like taste in their beer, we make it for people who want to drown their lives in faintly-yellow, barely-alcoholic liquid.  Or for people whose tongues were burned in a fire.”

“If you add some ice and some lemon, you actually can get the faint impression of flavor,” -Bud Light-
CC image via Flickr

But despite these protestations, it seems that the beer companies are taking notice of the change in American attitude toward beer.  One inside source claims that InBev (the definitely not American owners of Anheuser-Busch which really wants you to think they’re a super-patriotic company so that you keep drinking the rainwater from the gutters of their factories instead of trying them “foreign” beers) has a plan to bring all those homebrewers seeking flavor back to their product.  This high-ranking InBev executive spoke to us after a guarantee of non-disclosure, “We’ve recently taken on a visionary new partner, one with a brilliance for chemistry and a knack for bringing people, grinning, to his products.  And, as long as he isn’t stopped by some orphan with a vigilante complex, then we think his plans for introducing mind-altering and addictive compounds to the American water supply is really going to pay off for us in the long run!”

“Our business relies a lot on alcoholics. And we’re fine with that.” -Bud Light-


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