LEBANON, TN — Recently TMS ran an interview with the supposed architect of the Secret Bee Army that President Obama has created for as-yet-unknown purposes. For those of you keeping up on this story, you may be surprised that I would characterize the purpose thusly. Our interview with Dr. Tauntaun was supposed to provide the definitive account of the Secret Bee Army program; its construction, its operation, and its purpose. According to the information provided by “Dr. Tauntaun” this program had been created by her and several other biologists and secret communist scientists with the purpose of targeting anti-Obama citizens and allowing the President to run for a third term.
Unfortunately, we have recently discovered that Dr. Tauntaun was not who you presented herself as. As part of our thorough vetting process we had contacted Stanford University (Dr. Tauntaun claimed to hold three doctoral degrees from that establishment) to determine if Dr. Tauntaun’s credentials held up. In hindsight we should have accepted Stanford’s written reply that no such individual as a “Lynn Tauntaun” had ever attended the University. However, we had reason to believe that Stanford, bastion of secret communism, was just trying to mess with us. Further research has turned up however, revealing that the individual we knew as Dr. Lynn Tauntaun did not, in fact, obtain any doctoral, masters, or undergraduate degrees from Stanford.
There seem to have been a few other red flags, but none of them were obvious to us during the initial reporting and investigation process. Clearly hindsight is 20/20, and we present these “warning” signs not because they represent to us a failure of our vetting process, but merely to shed further light on the character of “Lynn Tauntaun”. Throughout this narrative of the investigation and interview we will continue to refer to the individual as “Tauntaun” due to the fact that we have not been able to discover her true name.
At several points during the interview, Tauntaun requested to take extended breaks. During one of these breaks an intern found her smoking crack cocaine in the bathroom. She also repeatedly asked to be paid in cocaine, something that TMS reporter refused to do as it is not covered within the employee handbook. The credentials that Tauntaun presented consisted of links to a blog run by well-known conspiracy theorist Alex Jones. Despite claiming a degree in biology, Tauntaun frequently misidentified the TMS mascot Truffle (a Galapagos turtle) as being a ferret. Tauntaun also, despite claiming to be the architect of President Obama’s Secret Bee Army, had to be corrected frequently on who the president was. At one point Tauntaun seemingly broke character and screamed in the reporter’s face that it was all a joke, that she had made it all up, and that there was no Secret Bee Army. This outburst, the reporter deduced, was not in keeping with the rest of her story and should therefore be discounted.
The Monthly Spew works hard to prevent this kind of mistake because we understand the tremendous obligation that we carry as a news source. We are very disappointed in the outcome and the reporter involved has been severely reprimanded by being denied access to the TMS office margarita machine for a week. We also want to stress that this is an isolated incident and should not color all perception of our commitment to the truth. Yes, on this occasion, our safeguards and processes worked less than perfectly and we were trolled. However, we are 100% confident that we have the procedures and processes in place that will prevent this from happening. Our stringent fact-checking is second only to those of Rolling Stones, and we see no need to deviate or adapt them with the sole exception of updating our employee handbook to cover whether a reporter may pay a source in cocaine.
Finally, we wanted to reassure our readers that this does not mean we will be giving up on getting to the bottom of Obama’s Secret Bee Army. We will continue to dig on this and eventually we will uncover the honeyed truth of it!