Update: Wal-Marts still Ghost Free, Menards Haunted by Horde of Rebate-Seeking Ghosts

 We reported early last month that the Ghost Hunters of America Club had declared all Walmarts to be free of ghosts. Well, the group’s work didn’t end with Walmart. Keeping with their commitment to investigate businesses, GHAC performed a thorough investigation into the Wisconsin-based home-improvement giant, Menards. What they found was troubling.

“It’s pretty much a full-on haunting, Poltergeist style,” said Lemuel Morningstar Goldhawk, Head Wizard of GHAC, referencing the popular movie about a family tormented by angry spirits. “I wish I could say they were built on ancient burial grounds or the land was cursed but that’s just not the case. Basically, it’s everyone who died waiting for their Menards rebate checks.”

You see, Menards prefers to award rebates rather than actually allow their customers to “Save Big Money” as their jingle suggests. Unfortunately, some customers never saw their savings.

“We captured a lot of evidence,” Goldhawk explained. “Groans, disembodied footsteps, boxes of nails being knocked off the shelves with no explanation. But the most convincing evidence was our collection of EVPs.”

EVP, which stands for Electronic Voice Phenomenon, is a phenomenon in which an electronic recording device will record a sound that was not heard at the time of the recording and cannot be accounted for. “There is certainly room for interpretation in regards to the paranormal, but we captured what sounded to us like a number of different voices– most sounding quite agéd, all of which very agitated– demanding their rebates.”

All this evidence has convinced GHAC that Menards is indeed haunted. “Any location on any given night could yield some paranormal activity, but this is definitively a haunting. These spirits are angry and they aren’t leaving.”

What does this mean for the company’s hundreds of stores? Probably not much.

“You could exorcise every blasted one of them, you couldn’t drag me inside,” declared Goldhawk. “Rebate instead of actually saving money? What is that?

“I wouldn’t want my soul trapped in that hell.”

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