When Jason’s mom walked in on him glazing the ham one day she never expected what such a simple accident would eventually lead to. ‘I went to tell him that dinner was almost ready.’ She told us, ‘I should have known to knock, but I thought he was doing homework. Once I saw what was REALLY happening I immediately shut the door and went back to the kitchen.’ But he wasn’t doing homework. He was using his laptop to peruse the online pleasure palace that is the filthy world wide web. And he was turning his own body into a unholy amusement park while doing so.
Later, at dinner, Jason’s mother confronted him about it. ‘She told me I could go blind. Become impotent. That kittens die every time I touch myself. All the old wive’s tales.’ Jason explained, ‘But I just couldn’t believe what she was saying. So I decided to see for myself.’ The next day Jason turned his room into ‘a lab’ and ‘began collecting data’. ‘I tested out all of the old fables. I would watch some videos, look at some pictures and then check my eyesight. I looked at my sperm count daily. I would measure the size, length and stiffness of my erections. I would call the animal shelter every few hours to see if any kittens were dead. Other than the ones they were killing, there were no irregular changes to the cat population within the shelter.’
‘The only REAL difference I saw in the world was a) I was feeling more relaxed and clear-headed than ever before and b) that I was amassing an insurmountable about of dirty socks.’ Jason explained. His mom told us more. ‘That’s the only REAL reason I don’t like him doing that. Cause I have to do his laundry. We go through so much detergent, I don’t think we can afford to send him to college. Certainly not now that he’s doing ‘his research’.
Jason’s mom, trying to get him to leave his ‘lab’.
Jason’s findings were published in several scientific journals and were universally reviled by uptight religious publications. But not everything was coming up roses. ‘I would bang on the door, trying to get him to do his chores,’ Jason’s mom told us, ‘But he would NOT come out. “I’m doing research!” he would say. “I’ve got another thesis to do!” Bull honky. You’re just defiling your socks.’
What’s next for Jason? As the country’s leading jackologist Jason is looking to take on many other myths about skinning the carrot, and with new funding from liberal millionaires he’s looking to break new ground. ‘The wankers must no longer live in shame! We’re all doing it, we might as well admit it, quit hiding the truth and make the women in our lives clean up the mess.’
Truer words have never been spoken. Jack on, Jason. Jack on.
When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com