CHICAGO, IL — Recently the internet has been inundated with articles praising the ‘dadbod’. All of this praise, it seems, is actually totally bullshit, having been fomented entirely by one middle-aged man and his sad, schlubby friends. Their goal? To convince themselves and the world that they weren’t just lazy and that covering their abdominals with a few inches of fat actually made them more attractive.
“We were just tired of having to go to all the superhero movies and seeing these guys with the abs. I used to have abs too, you know? Kind of.” Tom Ashenley is a 40-something year old man who claims that he played football throughout high school and stayed active in college before becoming an alcoholic and watching his life wash down the drain. “Yeah, I let myself go a little bit,” Tom says, referring to the extra fifty pounds above his doctor-recommended weight.
“It was just really sad, you know? People used to listen to me, I used to be able to get attention. But now that I’m a little overweight and a little unemployed and a little covered in Cheetos dust, nobody really takes me seriously as a sexual being. And I am a sexual being. You can check my browser history if you want. There’s a lot of porn on there. Lot of it.”
Tom’s breaking point apparently came after seeing Guardians of the Galaxy. “Did you see Chris Pratt in that? It was horribly disappointing. You look at him in Parks and Rec and he’s kind of this doughy guy, like me… well like me minus 20 pounds or so and with a little less male pattern baldness… but obtainable if I were to go back to that gym I tried once four months ago. But in Parks they still have him hooking up with Aubrey Plaza, so its teaching a good lesson: you don’t have to take care of yourself, you’ll get to hook up with hotties anyway. You’re a real man because you can drink a six-pack in one sitting and so you deserve a hot chick. But then I go see GotG and Chris Pratt is all buffed up and he still doesn’t even get to make out with Zoe Saldana. Very disappointing. I mean, what’s the lesson there? That I should have to work in order to be attractive to women? I just don’t see how that is possibly fair.”
After that it seems that Tom got together with some of his other sad excuses for people and decided to start the “dadbod” craze. These “men” spent weeks creating fake online personas so that they could publish a series of articles, all with the focus of praising the slightly-doughy physique that they felt they had. For the record, while Jon Hamm seems to be their own ideal of the “Dadbod” which they created, it should be noted that all of these men are substantially fatter, slower, and weaker than acting god Hamm.
“We thought if we could just convince enough people that being doughy was in, then we could get laid again. Heh; that was a rhyme wasn’t? Didn’t mean to do that. I’m not some poet guy.
I like babes.”