What Did Thor Cram Into JARVIS’ Head? A Guide to the Infinity Stones

Image via Marvel.

Image via Marvel.
“I mean Infinity Gems! That’s much cooler!”

THE INTERNET– By now you’ve probably been able to find a dozen or more primers on what the hell the Infinity Stones are and how they relate to Marvel’s movies.  That’s great.  This one is a little different, because I’m going to try and explain them entirely without referring to Wikipedia or otherwise using the vast resources of the Internet to help me.  This is for a couple of reasons but mainly to find out if I can even do it.  If not, well then maybe that’s a word of caution to Marvel about anchoring their franchise on such a minutia-driven scheme.
The Infinity Stones: Origins

No idea.  I think Odin called them remnants of a previous universe, so maybe that.  That was in Thor: The Dark World, which was underrated.  Also, if Odin had already explained that to Thor, why did he need to go swim in a cave?  No idea.  Also, spoiler warning.

What do they do?

Well, if you have all of them-

How many are there?

Ok, that’s probably a better question to ask first.  Um… Six.  I think.  Maybe only five.  I’m trying to picture the glove.

What glove?

That glove that Thanos (the purple guy with the craggly chin) picks up during the mid-credits sequence in Age of Ultron; that’s the Infinity Gauntlet.  If you put all of the Infinity Stones (or Gems; a lot of times they’re called Infinity Gems) then you have the Infinity Gauntlet.  Apparently there are two of them.  I just read that today.  Makes sense; you’ve got two hands.  But I’m pretty sure there are only enough Stones/Gems for one glove.

Infinity Gauntlet image via Marvel.  I guess there are six gems.

Infinity Gauntlet image via Marvel. I guess there are six gems.

So what were they again?

Magical stones of super power.  There’s the Mind Gem; that’s the one that Thor crammed into the Vision’s head to Frankenstein him to life.  Apparently, in the movies, it is full of alien AI code for some reason and was the source of Ultron.  Except not?  Because Stark and Banner made Ultron.  You know, it seems like Tony doesn’t really have much insight in any of his movies.  In the first one he just made the ARC reactor chest-sized.  In the second one JARVIS literally did ALL of the work of figuring out how to synthesize Tony’s new core metal, and then in Age of Ultron all he does is basically tell JARVIS to figure out how to turn this alien AI thing on.  Anyway where were we?

What do the stones do?

Well  there’s the Mind Gem-

We covered that.  What do the other ones do?
There’s the Power Gem which gives you power, duh.  The Reality Gem which lets you futz around with reality.  The Time Gem that basically makes you super fast.  Like faster than Quicksilver fast.  And the Soul Gem; which kind of doesn’t really do anything.  I think Adam Warlock made a big deal about it, but Warlock is kind of a… hippie.  Like a space hippie.  Thanks Starlin (I don’t actually know if Starlin created him but I think so).

And what happens if Thanos gets them all?
Traditionally, that has been really bad.  The one time that I know he did it, he immediately killed half of all life in the universe.  Basically the completed Gauntlet made him the most powerful being in the universe.  More powerful than the entire universe even.  Like these giant guys made out of stars and embodying the entirety of existence tried to fight him and he trounced them.  He literally beat up the universe.  Which is pretty bad ass.

Image via Marvel.  Thanos about to beat down all of creation.

Image via Marvel. Thanos about to beat down all of creation.

How was he stopped?  Or is Thanos the God of Marvel now?
He was stopped.  His daughter (niece?  sister?  She was related to him somehow) stole the glove from him.

How did that happen?  Thanos was omnipotent and omniscient and he let someone just swipe his glove?
Well, he had basically lobotomized her so he wasn’t worried about her anymore.

So someone missing most of their brain beat him?
… She got better?  After she got the Gauntlet from him she made herself all healed again.

Still… do you think that’s a good ending?
I think its a Jim Starlin ending.  Which is to say… no.

Nebula image via Marvel. This is the

Nebula image via Marvel.
This is the “before” shot.

Nebula image via Marvel.  And this is the

Nebula image via Marvel. And this is the “after” shot. Omnipotence does wonders for clearing up your skin.

What about the Stones then?  What happened to them after God Thanos got beat by someone he had already lobotomized?
Um… Adam Warlock decided to split them up and give them to people to watch over.  He took the Soul Gem (hippie), some alien got the Mind Gem, Drax got the Power Gem, and Gamora got the… got one of the gems.  Let’s say Reality.

Adam Warlock image via Marvel.  Literally nobody cares about this guy except Jim Starlin.

Adam Warlock image via Marvel. Literally nobody cares about this guy except Jim Starlin.

The green people from Guardians?
Yes.

Did Rocket get one?
No.  I don’t think Rocket existed at that point.  He’s a later creation.

I am Groot?

Also no.  And you are very, very not clever.

And that was it?  They kept the gems safe for ever after?
No.  Eventually some dickheads assembled them again and did a bunch of f’ed up sh!t with them.

Who was that?
Captain America, Professor X, Mister Fantastic, Tony Stark and two guys you don’t care about yet.

Illuminai image via Marvel.  These A-holes basically effed up everything.

Illuminai image via Marvel. These A-holes basically effed up everything.

Anyway; that’s what I know off the top of my head.  There are Five, or Six, magic stones and when you have them all you get to do whatever you want.  Thanos is probably going to assemble them all at some point in the 7 hours of Infinity Wars movies and it’ll look real bad for the heroes.  But he’ll F it up.  That’s basically what Thanos does.  He’s super powerful and smart and cunning but eventually he always screws himself.

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