We Rank All The Big Bangs so You Don’t Have To!

Image via NASA.

Image via NASA.

Keeping track of all the Big Bangs out there is difficult.  Knowing which one is better than the others is even more difficult, and you don’t want to be wrong when you tell your friends which one is your favorite do you?  Its very important to understand which one you should like best.  Well we’ve decided to help you out, and to that end we’ve ranked all of the Big Bangs based on an exciting 18-Factor scale.  You’ll never have to worry about Big Bang debates again!

1. The One that Made our Universe

Big Badda Boom?

Big Badda Boom?

This Big Bang was pretty great.  Way, way back in the long ago all of the energy and mass of what we now call the Universe was squeezed down super-tight.  Smaller than a marble.  Not even like one of the big breakers in marbles, but smaller even than a small marble.  That poppy seed stuck between your teeth?  The entirety of existence was crammed down smaller than that.  Hell, the Universe could have slid right between your teeth and you’d never even know about it.  Imagine swallowing the entire universe!  Now realize that you would actually be contained within that tiny universe and you’d have to be swallowing yourself!  Trippy!
And then, after the Universe was tired of chilling out in this super-compressed singularity of space… it blew up!  Just exploded outward.  Not exploding out into space, because there was no space beyond it.  Instead the exploding Universe expanded and it created space as it did so!  Ba-BOOM!!  And it was super-super hot.  So hot in fact that atoms couldn’t even hold together at first, they would just be ripped apart.
It eventually cooled off.  Lucky for us.  And then stars and galaxies and iron and shiny, shiny gold atoms were able to be forged deep the bowels of stars (ok, not gold or uranium, but iron).  Then those stars exploded (which is when they made the shiny, shiny gold and the cancerous, cancerous uranium), flinging the elements out into space.  And then a billions of years later the Earth was formed and then there was millions of years of boringness before finally The Monthly Spew was made.  You’re welcome!
So, yeah, the Big Bang that created our Universe (and TMS) is pretty much tops!

2.  …

There was only one guys.  Probably.

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