DOT Bans Facebooking While Driving

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The Department of Transportation made a startling announcement, facebooking while driving, along with any other social media, has been made illegal nationwide.  The announcement has not been popular, with many millennials citing agism in the ‘decision against them.’  The DOT released a public statement regarding those allegations.  ‘It has nothing to do with age, merely safety.’  They said.

The announcement came early last week, with the anti-facebook signs (red circle and line over facebook’s signature thumbs up) going up nationwide just days after.  Since the advent of smart phones, America, and the world, has seen a drastic increase in preventable automobile accidents caused by distracted drivers.  83% of these accidents were from the drivers using facebook.  (Only about 2% Twitter, cause nobody who can drive really uses it) And the ban doesn’t stop there, not even the passengers in the car can be on their smart phones.

A rendering of our daily commute back to work from lunch. Look out Timmy!

‘There has been too many times where the passengers in the car have been reading sites like The Monthly Spew and the passenger was so tickled by what they were reading that they showed it to the driver and the driver laughed so hard that they lost control and there was a wreck.  There has literally been almost DOZEN of cases where this COULD have happened.  Almost one dozen.  That’s too many.’  The DOT stated.

To fight back against what millenials feel is an unfair decision, they have started a social media campaign featuring the hashtag #DriveDistracted, which quickly rose to the trending list just as quick as those who tagged it were taken to the emergency room and treated for injuries.

Others have simply been confused by the signs.  ‘I thought it meant I just couldn’t use facebook.’ Courtney Sanderson told us from here hospital bed, ‘So I was checking out Instagram when I ran into a tree.’  The DOT clarified, ‘We used facebook as the face for the campaign simply because it’s the biggest social media company out there right now.  But we want to make it clear that all distracted driving is unsafe.’

More updates will be available as soon as I pull onto the interstate and do some internet browsing.

When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com

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