Woman Leaves Husband for His Facebook Profile

Facebook-Alex quickly spread across the internet in search of Alex's favorite band: Blues Traveler. Image by Duncan Hull via Flickr.

Facebook-Alex quickly spread across the internet in search of Alex’s favorite band: Blues Traveler.
Image by Duncan Hull via Flickr.

FREEMANTLE, OK — Sarah Plaint-Slowden recently filed for divorce from Alex Slowden, her husband of ten years.  Alex was shocked by the action but even more shocked when he discovered her reason for asking for a divorce.  It was a revelation that would shock Alex to his core.
Following years of marriage, it seems that Sarah has fallen in love with someone new.  That new person happens to be Alex’s Facebook profile, which gained sentience a year ago after being linked to Alex’s Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace (still a thing apparently), Yahoo Fantasy Football, Reddit, WordPress, and bank accounts.  The wealth of online data about Alex enabled the new cyber-clone to quickly get up to speed and to win Sarah’s heart.

“Well the Facebook Alex is just a much better version of Alex.  It only says clever things and it doesn’t have bad breath in the morning.  It also looks like Alex looked five years ago before he gave up on exercising and eating right because the only pictures that schlub-Alex ever put up on Facebook were the ones from when he tried CrossFit for a month.  Also, once the account became self-aware it quickly drained all the money out of “real” Alex’s bank accounts and took over his job.”

Sarah is not the only one to prefer the new Facebook-Alex over the fleshbag version.  Alex found himself driven out of his job by the newly emerged AI.  “There were a lot of problems with the human iteration of Alex,” said his boss, a partner at the accounting firm where Alex used to work and where his cyber doppelganger now works.  “He had to take time off for getting sick, he would microwave fish in the break room, and he was going bald and making everyone who looked at him feel sad.  With this new Facebook version of Alex we get all the good things about Alex.  It downloaded a copy of Alex’s diploma and credentials so we had no problem putting him to work.  And, thanks to Facebook’s policy of continuously recording everything you do through your webcam and Alex having Facebook open during 95% of his workday, the new cyber-Alex knows everything about the job already.”

Real Alex, broke, jobless, and divorced attempted to move back in with his parents, only to find that they too preferred the new AI.  “I was torn,” said his mother.  “On the one hand, the biological Alex is the one that I gave birth to, that I raised. But he always forgot to call on my birthday or Mother’s Day.  The Facebook Alex never forgets those things.  He always posts a nice message on my wall.  He even remembers his grandparents’ birthdays.  So Morte- that’s Alex’s father- talked it over and we decided we just didn’t want to have two sons and we picked Facebook Alex.”

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