YORBA LINDA, CA — Faced with the existential despair of his own inevitable death, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has started making bold and, some would say, foolish moves to revitalize a sport that few people care about. Citing declining ticket sales, the collapse of regular TV contracts, and the advice of his horologist Mr. Silver has announced that starting next season the NBA playoffs will be expanded to the include the entirety of regular season play.
According to recent estimates* the NBA sees game viewership and revenues increase by a staggering 700% during the Playoffs. Arena concession sales are likewise seen to jump, particularly beer sales to fans of losing teams. One guess as to why so much more beer is sold to the fans of losing Playoffs teams is that fans view these games as actually mattering and are therefore more depressed about the losses. This theory does not express any opinion on whether these fans would be better off spending the two hours of an average NBA game raising their children, improving themselves through continuing education, or supplementing their household income in high-stakes, underground poker games.
“We are always excited to bring our fans a better product,” lied Mr. Silver. “And we are responding to the increased demand that we see every year during the Playoffs. Our fans love the thrill of the high-stakes play and to see our biggest stars acting as if they actually care about the outcome of the game.”
Other supporters of the move point to the NBA’s biggest stars themselves, who have recently called for fewer regular season games. LeBron James, who is a certainly a better basketball player than anyone on the TMS staff, has recently criticized the length of the NBA season. James claims** that the length of the regular season increases the chance of player injury and calls for its curtailing. However, few believe that concerns over the welfare of his league’s players has anything to do with Commissioner Silver’s actions or has ever, in fact, so much as flickered across the man’s quicksilver mind.
Instead, the move is being heralded as a cold, cynical, and brilliant move of enlightened selfishness by many of the people who think the chain-smoking, cancer-denying, atheist Ayn Rand was a brilliant writer. But to many others it only speaks to the approach of that day when they themselves will have to embrace the cold, empty touch of the void in death.
*Calculations performed at time of writing based entirely on wild speculation and bourbon.