HARLAN, KY — Rand Paul, Senator, Doctor, Presidential contender, plagiarist, and guy in your dorm room who always hung out way too long talking about how he had figured out how to fix the world, recently held a press conference to announce his plans for major new spending on US infrastructure. The keystone piece of the new program is a system of high-speed, levitated trains criss-crossing the country which he hopes will randomly connect to a couple of cities here and there.
“For too long America has allowed the rest of the world to surpass us in this vital area,” Dr. Senator Paul exclaimed. “Japan, China, Germany; they all have these levitating trains that go so fast, its like… whooosh! You guys know. Like the sound that something moving really fast would make. That was what I was trying to get across there. We should have that. America used to be a nation of great whoosh and under my new plan we will be a nation of even greater whoosh than ever before!”
The Congressional Doctor followed up by explaining that his plan would not pursue the same type of magnetically levitated train system that has found popularity in places like Japan and the better Wolverine movie. Never-Going-to-Be-President Paul cited security concerns over such a system as his reason for exploring other technologies. “Those things use magnets and tons and tons of electricity. Just imagine what would happen if Magneto attacked. All those magnetic rail lines everywhere? They’d just super-charge him and he would rain destruction down upon us. Most of our tanks and jets are made of steel too, so I don’t think they could stop him. So no, I don’t think we want to be empowering terrorists like Magneto.”
Instead, Senator Paul announced the decision to pursue alternative means of levitation. “What we’re going to do, is line up Jedis, mediums, and those guys that can bend spoons with their minds. Women too of course. That’s going to provide a huge employment boom as well. And once they’re lined up, they’ll all just focus on the trains and boom! levitating trains! Now, I want to take one thing back that I just said. I said ‘boom’ which is usually the sound of an explosion, but I don’t want anyone thinking that these telekinetic people are going to be blowing up the trains. I was just using ‘boom’ to imply some excitement about it. There will be no explosions. Unless Magneto attacks, in which case I think what you have to ask yourself is why didn’t Hillary Clinton bring him to justice when she was Secretary of State?”
Senator Ayn Rand Paul concluded the announcement by once again asking the state of Kentucky to change its election laws for the sole purpose of allowing him to run for both President and Senator and then vanished in a cloud of stage smoke.