“It’s quite simple,” said Right Honourable Nicola Sturgeon, First Minister of Scottish Parliament. “She has yet to come forward on the issue of Scottish independence. As one of our most prominent citizens, she becomes a kind of unofficial spokesperson for our entire country.”
Because of this failure, Sturgeon, leader of the Scottish Nationalist Party, and her fellow Nationalists believe Nessie should be denied her Scottish citizenship.
“She’s not one of us,” Sturgeon asserted. “If she’s loyal to The Crown, let her go haunt one of their lakes.”
While the motion comes as a surprise to most, the real challenge comes not from passing the motion through a Nationalist-controlled Scottish Parliament, but from actually finding the Monster.
“If Sturgeon and her cronies want to revoke Nessie’s citizenship, they can come find her themselves,” said Bruce McCullough, local resident and Nessie enthusiast. “I’ve come here every year for more than forty years, trying to catch a glimpse of Nessie and I’ve yet to spot more than slack-jawed tourists and the occasional leprechaun.”
But Sturgeon is undeterred by such matters. “It’s not about finding her or forcing her to leave, it’s about holding her accountable,” Sturgeon affirmed. “It’s about principle. Her silence is acceptance and she needs to decide what’s more important; Scottish independence, or her misplaced faith in the monarchy.”