ENGLANDTOWN, EN — The blathering blatherscites currently competing for the US Presidency on top of piles of cash all want to convince you of one thing: The world is on fire and only they can fix it. Whether from terrorist groups operating thousands of miles from your home and possessing zero capability to conduct large-scale combat against targets on US soil or from the juggernaut of economic inequality or from the Juggernaut, they all want you to believe that the world has never been worse off. This is blatantly false, and there’s one easy way to prove that their inflammatory rhetoric is as unfounded as the resting place of Atlantis.
King Arthur has not yet returned to England.
All major historians and all history majors agree on this simple fact. The legendary King Arthur, wielder of Excalibur, founder of Camelot, and fan of incest is not currently sitting on the throne of England. He’s not even in the House of Lords right now. In fact, most scholars agree that King Arthur Pendragon is not even living anywhere in England and is still sleeping off that time his son stabbed him with a pike. Arthur has been retired to the map-averse island of Avalon since his final battle, but legend and science tells us that he is destined to return in the time of England’s greatest need. And he hasn’t yet.
This means that we know the world is not, relatively speaking, in that bad a shape. We can deduce that the world is actually likely to get much, much, much worse and we should spend our days 1) thanking the benign God that let us live in these untroubled times and 2) hoping that we die before the inevitable cataclysm that ushers in Arthur’s return.
Consider this: Arthur did not return during World War I, World War II, or either of Marvel’s Secret Wars. As Nazi bombs and rockets rained down on London and England threw waves of its youth into battle against the Nazi war machine, Arthur stayed on ice with his mother, wife, and… third woman. That was not England’s time of greatest need. He didn’t even send one of his lesser knights like Sir Percival or Brave Sir Robin. That should tell you a little bit about how far the world is going to have to fall into chaos before the Once and Future King makes good on the second half of that title. It is going to be pretty bad.
So, the next time you see a political hack-job telling a little girl that the world is on fire or hear a mint-julep afficianado claiming only he can save us from the world falling apart, just remember that things are not nearly so bad as they’re going to get.