Dan Faggart was a young man like any other; bright-eyed, eager and driven. Ready to take on the world. And that’s where all his problems started.
‘I had just landed my dream job,’ Dan told us, ‘but I was being way too distracted by facebook. People were constantly commenting and tagging me, I was checking my phone every couple of minutes. And it didn’t help that I felt this need to constantly update what I was doing: ‘Going to work’, ‘Writing some reports’, ‘Eating lunch’, ‘Watching birds poop on cars in the parking lot’, ‘Washing car…’, stuff like that. Just, really dumb stuff. And my newsfeed? Oh my god, I can’t get any work done with the barrage of garbage I get on my newsfeed. It’s all so stupid, but I can’t look away.’
But Dan had had enough, he was falling behind at work and his bosses were hinting at his possible termination. ‘As much as I was addicted to facebook, I was even more dependent on having food and shelter,’ Dan explained, ‘so I chose my job over facebook. I deleted my account that very day.’
But that’s where even more troubles arose for Dan. ‘I had been using facebook to log in to everything else!’ he lamented. ‘I couldn’t remember how to log in to anything. I’m talking twitter, instagram, basically every other website I have ever used. I can’t remember my passwords, the password requirements these days make your password into an unsolvable riddle. My life basically stopped. I couldn’t pay my rent, access my money, pay my bills, get any work done at my job… I am now a homeless man.’
‘Yeah, we don’t recommend deleting your facebook account.’ stated facebook spokesman Jim Clarke, via email. ‘It can have a seriously negative effect on your life. It’s best to just try to manage some self control and learn to limit your time on facebook.’
‘Easier said than done.’ Dan told us, as he sat, dressed in rags, leaning against a building on a busy street, begging strangers to let him see their newsfeeds. ‘Easier said than done.’
When not writing satire for The Spew, Josh runs his travelog at joshxhenderson.com