In a bold, unprecedented move, every major motion picture studio has announced that they will be releasing a remake of every movie made between January 1, 1980 and December 31, 1989 in chronological order over the next ten years.
“It’s really exciting,” said Brad Grey, chairman and CEO of Paramount Pictures. “Our key demographic right now are the adults who grew up in the 80s. They are the ones out there, desperately throwing their money at anything that promises them just a piece of their childhood. Why not give them what they want?”
Over the past decade, we have already watched as the movie studios attempted to adapt our favorite 80s properties into movies, with mixed results. “We had some success with Transformers, GI Joe, and now with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but it’s still hit or miss,” explains Grey, whose studio released all the aforementioned franchises. “So we’re just going to do to your movies what the toy companies do; take the same crap and put it in shiny new packaging.”
This announcement comes amid mounting criticism that Hollywood is out of original ideas and is more interested in banking on cash cow movie franchises than making quality cinema. “We weren’t trying to hide it,” adds Gary Barber, Chairman and CEO of MGM. “Yeah, we’re out of ideas, and yes, we are only after your money, but to imply we aren’t interested in making quality cinema? That’s profoundly untrue. The 80s were a wonderful time for movies. Many of the films released in that time period are now considered classics. Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back, Terminator, Back to the Future; the list goes on.”
Remarkably, the ten major studios have all agreed to work together to make this happen, each having a stake in seeing their movies succeed. “It’ll be interesting to see how things play out,” says Grey. “Obviously, there were some great movies released in that time frame, and any of us would be foolish to play around with the classics too much; there were also some duds, which will have a second chance.”
“The market value on nostalgia is ridiculous right now, and we have to strike while the iron is hot,” Grey adds in conclusion. “And we know as long as we slap that brand on it, you mindless zombies will lurch to the theaters and plop your money at our feet.”