TOKYO, JN — The territorial dispute over the Senkaku Islands (called the Daiyus in China) between Japan and China seemed to have reached a tense impasse in recent months. With neither side willing to back down and international courts unwilling to step in, it seemed as if the two nations would never find a way to peacefully resolve the debate. That was until recently, when Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe announced a radical new plan proposed by his nation to place all power to settle the dispute into the hands of a higher authority, namely Godzilla.
Abe has gained the backing of the Japanese Emperor, whatever legislative body Japan has, and the various oni and other trickster spirits that Americans assume fill the dark woods of northern Japan. The plan will require the cooperation of China, as they will be asked to detonate an underwater nuclear explosion in order to summon the legendary kaiju to the site of the disputed islands. Each nation will then be allowed, so they hope, to present their case to Godzilla before the atomic-breathed destroyer of cities renders his verdict.
“We must trust in him, Godzilla fair arbiter, he will end the fight,” Abe said in a haiku released to the press amidst a fall of cherry blossoms.
Abe was less clear on how Godzilla is expected to relay his decision to the disputants, as Godzilla has never demonstrated a propensity for languages that could be understood by anyone other than his idiot son, Minilla. It is also not entirely clear if China will be willing to accept Godzilla as a neutral party. Experts point to the many times that Godzilla has sided with Japan against external threats such as three-headed space dragons while never coming to China’s own aid.
“We’ve always known that Mothra is a puppet of the Japanese state,” said one old Chinese man who lived atop a lonely mountain and taught kung fu to American tourists backpacking through China after college while trying to find themselves. “But Godzilla has never shown China the same support that he has given Japan. We have giant monsters that need fighting too. Everyone forgets that. Clearly Godzilla has.” The old man then laughed, caught a fly with his chopsticks, and rode away atop a luck dragon.