Neil deGrasse Tyson is a renowned astrophysicist, science educator, Seth Macfarlane partner-haver, and runner of planetariums. He is also, it seems, a keen follower of TMS. He dropped by our office today, completely unannounced during our lunch break for an interview. After we got past the annoyance of unannounced guests who steal the last cupcake from the break room while we’re getting the interview chamber set up just for them, we sat down for a conversation about some of our recent coverage.
That’s better. Continue.
Dr. Tyson, first thank you for coming by today to talk with us.
My pleasure. I’ve been following TMS since its relaunch. You’re not very good writers, but every now and then I enjoy watching someone stumble through life, hindered as they are by a lack of intellect. It is really quite impressive how far you’ve managed to get without even a single doctorate or nationally-broadcast TV show.
That’s… very kind of you. You mentioned in the pre-interview, while you were eating our last cupcake, that what convinced you that should come down here was our coverage of Obama’s Secret Bee Army. Would you care to elaborate on that?
Well, yes. See, I think you’ve demonstrated a tremendous failure of objectivity there. Which is not surprising. As I mentioned before, you are not very good at what you are doing here. Occasionally amusing perhaps, but not really any good. So while I found your coverage of the Secret Bee program intriguing, I also realized that you were using it as a rather blunt tool to attack the president with.
Well it is his program and he has to be using it as a means to deprive Americans of their civil liberties and pollen distribution.
See, that’s where I think you are failing to connect the bigger picture. Not long ago you also covered the story of Gatlin, Nebraska.
The town where a strain of Monsanto GMO corn has become feral and is murdering the townsfolk.
Exactly. Now, what I would propose is that President Obama is actually developing this secret Bee Army not to attack the good citizens of America, but instead as a last-ditch protection against such GMO corn monsters. Not only the ones in Gatlin, but the other strains that Monsanto is no doubt developing. Any rational scientist can show you that the GMO methods Monsanto used to create the Gatlin corn monsters is guaranteed to be used by other companies to create their own vegetation-based armies. Sooner or later we’re going to see a war between the GMO-produced monsters of corporate America on one side and the US armed forces on the other. And President Obama is developing his Secret Bee Army with this in mind. It is to protect American lives from sentient GMO corn stalking them down and murdering them. Normal human troops won’t be effective against them, but swarms of highly trained bees just might.
The question becomes does President Obama possess the courage and fortitude to stand up against the GMO behemoth and put his secret bee hordes to good use, or are all these things part of a larger strategy to further subjugate the American people in a mad grab for power? I think it’s far more likely that he is doing everything in his power to protect us from Monsanto and other corporate GMO powerhouses than that he is somehow going to use the bees to extend his presidency beyond 2016.
That is an interesting theory, Dr. Tyson, but one thing concerns me. You expect us to trust you about this theory of yours, but at the same time you made Pluto not a planet anymore. How do you expect us to trust anything that comes out of your lying, Pluto-hating mouth?
I didn’t make Pluto not a planet, that was a decision by-
Do not insult me, sir!
I think you’re getting a little emotional.
And I think you lied to the world for years about Pluto until it suited your own radical agenda to demote it to planetoid! I think that you’re working WITH the Bee-King Obama to help sell America on this dangerous plan! I think that you wear stupid vests! And I think that you stole my cupcake that I had been saving all morning for after my lunch and it was the only thing that I had to look forward to all this miserable day with the rain and the cold in the middle of May and I think you killed my dog when I was 6 because I had named him Pluto!
After the cartoon dog?
NO!! After the planet! And now you want to come in here, into our newly renovated office, steal our cupcakes, and cast aspersions on our reporting? Well I will NOT stand for it sir, I will not!
I’m going to just let myself out now.