Who is Bernie Sanders? An Expose, Part 1

From beyond the great mountains of the north, across the burning sands of No’agoloth, through the marshlands of Go’chem-Eucher, upon the back of a mighty wingèd dragon rode the last of the order of Eszamar, wizards of Carútan, Bernie Sanders.

That is what most people know about Senator Bernie Sanders at least.  They have heard the legends that speak of him and the hushed whispers of the damned that conspire against him from their secret warrens beneath the Earth.  But what does that really tell them of Bernie Sanders the person?  As he runs for President, the people of America are asking more about this mysterious figure, shrouded in his thin tufts of hair and enigmaticness.  Can Senator-Wizard Sanders win over the public to his cause if all they know about him is that he is the prophesied wielder of the Orb of Chayslin and the scourge of dark spirits and toe fungus?  Only time will tell.

But in the meantime, we here at TMS have put together what we know about the Senator so that you, the voter, can stay informed on the  candidates and the issues that matter most to them.  Below you’ll find various pieces of information about Senator Bernie Demonsbane Sanders and we will update you as we discover more about him.

  • Artist's Rendition of Bernie Sanders' possible transportation.

    Artist’s Rendition of Bernie Sanders’ possible transportation.

    Bernie Sanders is the last of a long line of wizards.  In the dawn of days he came out of the northern wastes, as was prophesied during the dusk of days by the Druids of Spin’Tap.  He rode into the hallowed state of Vermont upon the back of a Thunder-Bird, the last of the great beasts which the Sioux and other Native American tribes once told tales of.  Also, possibly, it was a Ford Thunderbird.

  • Bernie Sanders appears to be bald due to old age.  This is not true.  The hair on top of Bernie Sanders’ head was burned off by the force of his inner magic.  This is the same reason that the rest of his hair is white.  Just like Dumbledore, except Dumbledore wore a wig.
  • Bernie Sanders is the reason that socks go missing in the dryer.  Nobody is entirely sure what he is doing with them, but we know that he is taking them.  Like Galactus, there is a prophecy that claims that in the end, Bernie Sanders will give back more to the world than he has ever taken.  Only in the case of Bernie Sanders, it will be socks.

    Galactus eats planets.  Senator Sanders only takes the occasional sock.  Who are you going to vote for?

    Galactus eats planets. Senator Sanders only takes the occasional sock. Who are you going to vote for?

  • The title of the album

    The title of the album “Fly by Night” is an allusion to Bernie Sanders’ legendary habit of only flying by night.

    The music of Rush is based entirely on their understanding of the Bernie Sanders prophecies.

  • Bernie Sanders and John McCain have been in a long-running argument during their time together in Congress.  McCain (Senator, non-wizard type) wants YOU TO GET OFF HIS DAMN LAWN AND YOUR FRISBEE IS HIS NOW!  Sanders (Senator, wizard type) instead wants you to replace your water-wasting lawn with free college education.
  • Senator Sanders casts all the reflections not cast by vampires.

This should not be considered a definitive biography of the Senator.  We are still looking deep into his past, his present, and his garbage and we hope to bring you much more information about him soon!  Stay informed!


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