Johnny Depp to Reprise his ‘Jack Sparrow’ Role in New ‘Edwards Scissorhands’ Sequel


AMISSVILLE, VA — A trained koala bear acting as spokesman for reclusive goatee aficionado Johnny Depp recently delivered a tape-recording from its master to the press.  In it, Johnny Depp announces that he has once more agreed to reprise his iconic role as Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise.  This will be the sixth time that Mr. Depp has brought the Keith Richards-mocking role to life on the big screen, but this time he has promised to bring something new to the role.

Rather than starring in a sixth Pirates movie alongside a Geoffrey Rush who apparently needs money more than dignity, Johnny Depp plans to bring the character to the recently announced Edwards Scissorhands franchise that he helped launch a number of years ago that would be easily discovered with a simple Google search.

Johnny Depp.  Possibly a wax model.  We're not sure and we couldn't be bothered to check.

Johnny Depp. Possibly a wax model. We’re not sure and we couldn’t be bothered to check.

“The trouble with the modern movie business is how the big movie businesses keep putting out these huge franchises,” said the tape recording of Johnny Depp.  “That hurts actors and it hurts moviegoers and it hurts farmers… somehow.  So I’ve decided to flip the script, as they say in highly cliched writing by hacks trying to convince the viewers that something major has just happened in a poorly designed plot.  I’ve decided to turn ‘Jack Sparrow’ into a cross-franchise meta-franchise.  He’s my commentary on the sad state of media and stuff.  I’m bringing Jack to Edwards Scissorhands next, but don’t expect it to end there.  You’ll be seeing Jack in all kinds of stuff.  Mordecai 2 and 3, 2 Fear 2 Loathing in Vegas, and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: Tokyo Drift.”

There seemed to be more to the press statement, but at that point the koala bear was injected with that rage serum from 28 Days Later by a political activist and smashed the tape recorder over the head of one of the reporters present.

Edward Scissorhands will return to the big screen in 2017 and 2018 with Mordecai sequels in between.

Edward Scissorhands will return to the big screen in 2017 and 2018 with Mordecai sequels in between.

Depp later put out a Tweet saying that the new Edwards Scissorhands movie, A Good Day To Edwards Scissorhands Live Free, would be directed by Terry Gilliam based on an unwritten script made from the dreams of a senile psychiatric patient who has been living on cotton candy for a week.


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