“In Nebraska we believe in a strongly diversified power infrastructure, the ability of free-market economics to solve everything, and a running back-centric offense. That’s why we’re putting these new regulations into place, to ensure the power of small government and to deregulate an over-regulated market. The last thing that we want to do is to prop up a failing industry like wind power; if a technology is robust then it can survive without government subsidies. Under this plan, we will take the tax revenue raised by the sale of wind power– which is a flop by the way– and use to to bolster the coal market– which is super strong,” explained Gov. Ricketts.
The proposed coal pits will be installed around the state in order to maximize job creation– which Governor Ricketts was quick to explain could never happen as the result of government spending but only Capitalism, which he said with a capital “C”. Ricketts also explained that the coal pits would not be used to generate electricity because there was not sufficient demand for it and because of “Bee Overlord Obama’s new EPA regulations!” Instead the state will purchase large quantities of coal, dump it in the pits, and then burn it. One of the pits had originally been intended for a location inside Lincoln but the Governor explained that Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst had vetoed that portion of the Governor’s plan.“This is only one of the visionary proposals that you’ll see coming out of my office,” promised Ricketts. “We are going to do everything we can to ensure the free market remains free of excessive regulation so that good, American companies that burn coal win out against hippie companies that spin turbines with the abundant and free resource of wind. We are also considering a plan to fine people 50% of their net income if they install solar panels on their roofs. This revenue would be earmarked for paying bonuses to any CEO who moves a Fortune 500 company to Omaha.”