Actor Sean Astin, best known for his Academy Award-nominated performance in Encino Man, and currently appearing in the Nickelodeon animated series Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as the voice of the red one, has been reported missing after participating in a 10k race event in Boulder, CO. Local authorities are baffled.
“Mr. Astin mysteriously vanished after finishing the race event,” reported Wade Gorman of the Boulder County sheriff’s office. “After further investigation, we found he had not returned to his hotel, nor had he arrived at the airport, missing his return flight to Los Angeles for a second time.”
Mr. Astin had been in Denver to attend the Denver Comic Con, but when his flight was canceled due to mechanical issues, he quickly registered to run in Boulder’s BolderBOULDER 10k race event, sharing his experience to Twitter. Shortly after, his Twitter account went quiet.
“We definitely think Mr. Astin was abducted,” Gorman explained. “Any time there’s a Comic Book Convention, the city is suddenly inundated with undesirables. We feel pretty confident it was a deranged fan, holding him hostage Misery-style.”
But there are details about the apparent abduction that set this apart from the hundreds of other celebrity abductions that occur in conjunction with so-called “comic cons”.
“We are dealing with a professional,” Gorman explained. “This wasn’t impulsive; this was planned and executed with deliberation. With the amount of discipline involved in this abduction, most likely we are dealing with someone who has had military training, perhaps even an Assistant Professor of Naval Science at the University of Colorado here in Boulder.”
When asked what might be the motive behind such an abduction, Gorman could only speculate. “The most likely explanation would be some kind of twisted Goonies reunion,” he stated. “The FBI has been put on high alert and other celebrities, such as Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, and Jonathan Ke Quan are being monitored closely.”
There are still no suspects.
After being missing for more than a week, handsome actor Sean Astin returned home, unharmed.
“It’s good to be back home,” the actor said via Twitter, “where all the crazy people are Tom Cruise.”
When asked about the details of his mysterious disappearance and miraculous escape, Astin had this to say;
“As I was walking to my rental car following the BolderBOULDER race event, I heard someone shouting behind me. I couldn’t understand what they said, but I am sure now it was said in Quenya, the language of the high elves in Tolkien’s books. As I turned to look, someone threw a canvas bag over my head, tied me up, and threw me in the trunk of their luxury sedan. We drove for what must have been an hour or two when I was finally freed from the trunk. I was taken down some stairs and the kidnapper took the bag off my head. The space was large, clean, and smelled of rich cedar and fine, triple-distillers Kentucky bourbon. I dare say it was indeed nicer than my hotel. My kidnapper was wearing an iron man mask, so I couldn’t see his face but I could tell he was a man by his musky aroma and firm hand. I offered him whatever he wanted in exchange for my freedom but he silently ascended the staircase and locked the door. The entire room was filled with all kinds of comic book and nerd culture paraphernalia. There were comic book character busts, star wars maquettes, and various vinyl figures. There were even a couple lightsabers, but I still had no way of knowing where I was.
“To be honest, it wasn’t really a bad experience. Every day, the kidnapper brought me breakfast, second breakfast, Elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper, but between all th food, he made me read his ridiculous blog– the Monthly Shoe? The monthly view?– anyway, it made hardly any sense and he has some weird thing with bees. Finally, on what I think was the eighth day, when he brought down Elevensies, I bashed him over the head with a collectable maquette and made my escape. Lost, though I was, I was able to call upon the great Eagles– Gwaihir, Lord of the Great Eagles; his brother, Landroval; and their drummer, Don Henley– who came and carried me back to L.A.”
The kidnapper remains at large, although Astin is uncertain whether he will press charges.
“I’ve been kidnapped by worse,” he said. “In a way, it was a nice little vacation!”