STING’S HOUSE BOAT, TAN PENIS ISLAND — In the wake of the massive corruption scandal that surprised no one, vindicated fake news caster John Oliver, and allowed FIFA president Sepp Blatter to win re-election to his feathered nest, FIFA has announced a major new change. Citing the massively lucrative bribery market and world demand, FIFA is planning to move to holding the World Cup once every year instead of every four years.
Sepp Blatter, gloriously corrupt president of FIFA and perpetual head-scratcher, made the announcement while sitting on a pile of Russian rubles (market value: $347.68) and drinking caviar from the skull of a Siberian tiger. He also announced that the 2015 World Cup would be held in Vladivostok, Russia on December, 12th. He explained that the voting had been fair and open but it took him six tries to get through the sentence without laughing.
Blatter noted that World Cup bribery constituted 12% of the world economy in the lead up to voting on the 2018 World Cup host (Russia) and that FIFA actually saw a spike in bribery economy for the 2022 World Cup (Qatar). Blatter was also quick to dismiss concerns about the thousands of migrant workers who will die building a soccer stadium for an authoritarian government in the middle of a desert where’s its too damn hot to play soccer, noting that these workers didn’t have enough money to bribe his big toe and therefore were of little concern to him.
“By only holding the World Cup every four years we were missing out on so, so many bribes. Did you realize that Chuck Blazer [the US FIFA official who caved like the worm he is to start the ball rolling on the US investigation that eventually led to a 47-count indictment] had to keep his cats in an apartment? That’s atrocious! Those cats deserved a nice Victorian house on Cape Cod, not a crummy Trump Tower apartment. As president of FIFA its my job to ensure that we collect as much bribe money as possible and that my officials can live the life of luxury that they, and their cats, deserve!”
Following the December, 2015 World Cup the 2016 World Cup will be held in Aleppo, Syria. The 2017 World Cup has been offered to the United States but only if they agree to drop all charges.