The Onion Plans to Buy The Monthly Spew

The Onion will purchase The Monthly Spew for lotsa, lotsa money.

The Onion will purchase The Monthly Spew for lotsa, lotsa money.

GRAND JUNCTION, CO — Following weeks of courtship, wrangling, and fierce boardroom discussions, it seems that a deal has finally been reached between news satire juggernaut TMS and its scrappy, upstart rival The Onion.  The merger will bring the two companies together for the first time since neither of them were ever connected in any way before.  Industry insiders had little to comment as there are no professional satirical internet news industry insiders.  Possibly it is not a vital American industry.

The Onion, an Arkansas company established in 1895 still run by its bi-centenarian founder and part-time Fantastic Four villain Harvey Elder, has agreed to purchase The Monthly Spew for the princely sum of $2 million (OMG OMG OMG) along with stock options (WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THESE ARE BUT WE WANT THEM!) that brings the total valuation of the deal up to (ENOUGH MONEY THAT I’LL NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN, BITCHES!).  In exchange for the deal The Onion expects to reap the lucrative contact information of TMS subscribers.

“We’re going to mine every last scrap of personal information from anyone who has ever clicked on a TMS link,” said Mr. Elder at a subterranean press conference.  “And I understand mining better than just about anyone.  It seems that TMS had an extensive operation going where they were able to determine the personal preferences of anyone who visited their site.  They knew what flavor of ice cream they preferred, if they slept on the left or right side of the bed, how much they tipped for fairly competent but uninspired service at a restaurant they could afford to visit once or twice a year for special occasions like a birthday or anniversary, or if they had actually watched The Wire or just lied about it like everyone else.  That’s the kind of personal data that we can turn into gold.  Cold, hard gold that we need for building lasers which we definitely are not using to attack the Baxter Building and take over the surface world.”

The deal will see the TMS offices remain open and the editors have been allowed to keep their jobs slaving away to create daily content (YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!  I’M MOVING TO CARCOSA TO LIVE LIKE A KING OF SOME AS YET UNDECIDED COLOUR (probably yellow)!).  For the immediate future, The Onion also said that its legion of followers should visit The Monthly Spew routinely for top-notch content that was definitely better than the stuff routinely found on the old, boring The Onion site.


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