Nebraska Governor Seeks to Revive Death Penalty Through Any Means Necessary

We didn't feel like finding another picture of Pete Ricketts.  Can you blame us?

We didn’t feel like finding another picture of Pete Ricketts. Can you blame us?

After a landmark vote to override the governor’s veto, Nebraska became the 19th state to abolish the death penalty. But abject failure isn’t about to keep Ricketts from pursuing his lifelong dream of the state-sanctioned murdering of convicted criminals.

“My hope is that we can, as a state, not lose sight of the value of the death penalty as a tool of public safety,” Ricketts said in a press release. “And it is my intention to not only work to bring this important tool back to our beautiful state, but to also restore the public’s trust in an American institution.”

In addition to killing people, the death penalty has lost popularity in Nebraska due to some issues the state encountered while trying to acquire lethal injection drugs. The drugs were purchased from a known drug thief and illegal to bring in to the U.S.
“I am acutely aware of the issues the state of Nebraska has had and how those issues reflect on the state’s image,” the Governor’s press release continued. “Should the death penalty be reinstated, I fully intend to avoid making those same mistakes by replacing lethal injection with good, old-fashioned public stoning.”

Ricketts believes that part of the death penalty’s decline in population is the impersonal method of lethal injection. “It’s my intention to make the death penalty a crowd-participation event,” said Ricketts in a phone interview. “Make executions not just something to get excited about, but something that really lets the people of our state feel like they are a part of our judicial system.”

In anticipation of a possible revival of the death penalty, Ricketts has already purchased thousands of dollars’ worth of quality stoning rocks from a dubious Indian landscaping company with fourteen bad reviews on Yelp.

Ricketts hopes his announcement will create some stir, as the majority of Nebraskans still support the death penalty. He encourages constituents to contact their legislator in support of the death penalty. “I ran for governor in the hope that I would one day be given the satisfaction of killing people,” Ricketts said over the phone. “If you take that from me, I might have to sneak into people’s houses at night and kill them myself!”

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