The Surprising Way You’re Killing Your Beloved Pet

A new study being published indicates that pets whose owners share their pictures online are living proportionately shorter lives.

“Pwease, pwease, don’t wet me die.”

“Every picture you take steals a tiny part of your pet’s soul,” said Deepak Bhattacharyya, DVM, and author of the report. “Each time you share another picture, part of the pet’s soul is lost to the Internet, and years are taken of your animal’s life.”

Rocked most of all by this new study is PETA, who has long used pictures of pathetic-looking animals to instill feelings of guilt in order to push their agenda and inspire more impressionable internet activists (in-activists) to become vegan. It seems their attempts to raise awareness have in fact, caused thousands of needless animal deaths and have resulted in them throwing buckets of red paint on themselves in penance.

Mittens the kitten lost an hour of her soul to take this picture. Do you still think it was worth it?

Bhattacharyya is particularly troubled by the findings. “I am a practicing Hindu, as you can no doubt tell by my exotic, non-European name” he stated, “so I believe that these animals are actually human souls reincarnated as loyal pets, probably due to some treachery they committed in a past life. Once their soul has been lost to the Internet, there is no hope of them reaching Nirvana.”

We weren’t sure what Dr. Bhattacharyya’s religion was so interested in 90s Rock, but we were too embarrassed to ask.

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