Supermarket Chains Announce New Plan for Parking

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt started with handicapped parking.  Then expectant mothers parking.  Now Supermarket chains have a new plan to make you walk even further across their parking lot.

 Yesterday morning Craig Peckinpah, parking lot designer for several major Supermarket & Department Store chains like Hy-Vee, Target & Piggly Wiggly, announced his new plan for the stores, more reserved parking.

‘It’s all about making it convenient for people who aren’t you.’ he said.  ‘We need to save lots of space for small minorities of people who may or may not be shopping ever.’

‘We’ve received numerous complaints about parking from private citizens and public interest groups,’ he continued. ‘In an age when every kind of gripe gets blown up by the slactivists and in-activists on twitter, you have to comply.  Otherwise you get bad PR, there are boycotts and rallies.  It’s best to just bend over and take it.’

The new parking plan goes as such, from closest to further from the store.  Handicapped Parking, Expectant & New Mothers Parking, Veterans Parking, Irritable Bowel Syndrome Victims Parking, Elderly Parking, Obese Parking, Minority Parking, Feminist Parking, Dudes With Limps Parking, and finally, general parking, known within the parking industry as YMAWM parking, or Young to Middle Aged White Male parking.

Craig and his team had to come up with new math equations to decide what order the parking would go in.  ‘We took into account number of complaints, frequency of complaints, amount of public sympathy and political/ social sway of each group.’  Craig told us, ‘It was a really tough call.  Unfortunately, if you have little room to complain, you will be walking the furthest.’

But while getting bullied into such madness, the Supermarket chains are looking for ways to spin it into a positive.  Craig explained, ‘We’re thinking of adding hot dog vendors, vending machines, stuff like that to help people survive and spend more money as they make their way across the vast, mostly empty parking lot.  We’re even considering shuttles and/or taxis to help people get to a from their parking spot to the store more easily.  At additional cost, of course.’

What do you think of their new plan?  Complain the loudest to win.

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