TMS Exclusive: Donald Trump

Donald Trump Speaks To GOP Women's GroupsGlobal pandemic. Rogue meteors. Threat of Nuclear war. The terror of these things pales in comparison to the prospect of Donald Trump being president of our country. But whether or not the perennial loser will toss his hairpiece into the ring remains up in the air. To shed light on the subject, we got a minute to speak with The Donald.

TMS: So, Mr. Trump– May I call you Mr. Trump?

Trump: My friends call me Donald. You can call me Imperius Rex.

Okaaaay… So, Imperius Rex–

Please, Mr. Trump.

Right… So, Mr. Trump–

Mr. Trump, sir.

Moving on. Let me ask straight out; will you be running for president in 2016?

I am a businessman. I want to see this country succeed. I want to acquire the rights to this country and license it out to China. I want to buy out this country and liquidate its assets. I want to bulldoze this country and build high-rise suites– what was the question?

Will you be running for president in 2016?

I’ve been reading a lot lately, as you might have guessed. As it turns out, president Obama has been training a secret bee army. Do you know what I think about that?

I imagine you are about to tell me…

I think it’s bad. Or it’s good. I try not to spend too much time thinking. I’m a man of action. I’m also a man of few words. I’m also an international man of mystery. I’m also a man of action. Look here; do you see this? (Mr. Trump rolls up the right sleeve of his pink dress shirt– silk– and reveals his pasty bicep) I don’t work out. I don’t have time. I’m too busy solving problems like how to make more money. I’m the richest man on the planet. I had a stack of twenties for breakfast, wrapped in fine Corinthian leather.

(Awkward pause)

You still haven’t answered the question.

It’s like I said before; if the poor aren’t building stuff for rich people, they should be digging holes to live in.

You didn’t say that before, and I wish you hadn’t said it now.

America needs this now more than ever!

America needs this now more than ever!

The leadership in America is lacking. We need someone who knows how to steer a ship with one arm behind his back. We need someone who can pull a bus with his teeth. We need one of those guys who can walk on his hands. We need one of those bears that dances on a rubber ball. That’s the kind of bear America needs.

Are you that bear?

I’m the kind of bear that climbs to the top of the tree to get the honey. I’m the kind of bear that eats too much honey and gets stuck in my friend’s door.

You just described Winnie the Pooh.

The point is, what are we doing about the bees? Bees make honey; bears eat honey. What kind of bears are we if we can’t look at the bees and say, “No more, bees. We are bears. We make our own honey. Go back to Mexico.”

I think you should leave.

Aren’t you going to ask if I’m running for president?

Mr. Trump was escorted out by security, but only after he insisted on a full cavity search, for which he tipped our security staff generously. 

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