With Father’s Day coming up soon, the ultra-politically correct are already gearing up to wish single mothers everywhere ‘Happy Father’s Day’ but their well-meaning actions are causing changes to holidays calendar-wide.
In recent years whack-jobs nationwide have argued that single mothers deserve to be celebrated on Father’s Day since they have to be both mom and dad. A cute theory, but flawed in reasoning considering mothers are not fathers and there is already a Mother’s Day for mothers.
Jim Doty, head of the United States Holiday Planning Committee, announced this morning major changes to upcoming holidays. ‘After seeing people’s reactions to last year’s Father’s Day we have learned that we just have to make sure everything is super politically correct and no one can ever feel excluded, overlooked or under-appreciated in anything. So major changes are coming to our upcoming holidays.’
For instance, Administrative Professionals’ Day (formerly Secretary’s Day) can now be celebrated by bosses. ‘Some bosses don’t have secretaries.’ Jim explained, ‘So, just like single mothers, they are doing the workload of two people, and deserve to get the recognition of their absent counterpart.’
‘I’ll definitely be sending myself flowers next year.’ Said Corman Ambercrombie, a small businessman with no secretary. ‘And balloons!’
‘Labor Day has been changed to ‘Everyone Day.” Jim told us. ‘We got a lot of complaints from the few housewives left in modern society that they were feeling excluded. They felt that dropping kids off at daycare and staying home to watch soap operas and game shows all day was just as big of a job as working 12 hours in a factory. It blew up all over Twitter last year. Made us look really bad. You really can’t argue with anyone anymore without being called insensitive, misogynistic or a bigot, so we just changed the holiday to put everything to rest.’
‘There are also many unemployed folks who work just as hard trying to find work.’ Said Libby Rawls, a professional picketer from Boulder, CO. ‘You have to prove that you applied at 2 or 3 places a week to collect that unemployment check. They really deserve some recognition too.’
However, Jim did tell us about one holiday that isn’t changing is Mother’s Day. ‘Single dads are not allowed to be told ‘Happy Mother’s Day.’ He said. ‘Feminist Extremists made that abundantly clear. And we don’t want trouble from them. They can get really catty.’
Jim told us there are other changes taking place, but that things change so fast as newer, and sillier, complaints come in daily. ‘We’re currently trying to figure out how to morph Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa & the other yuletide holidays into one big, all-inclusive holiday called ‘Holiday Day’ or something unoffensive like that.’
‘We’re also mailing out participation ribbons to every single person in the country, US citizen or not, we don’t want to exclude anyone, on every single federal holiday.’
Make room in your trophy cases, America.